a fool's musings

Boreas by Waterhouse
Fool, said my muse to me,
look in thy heart and write...

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"pathological and unbalanced"

Items of Interest

    Music
  • Walk On - U2
  • Thunder Road - Bruce Springsteen
  • If I Can't Change Your Mind - Sugar
  • Sick of Myself - Matthew Sweet
  • Town Called Malice - The Jam
  • One - U2
  • The Space Between - DMB
    Books
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2002-01-15 - 5:12 p.m.

I gets weary, and sick of trying...

I'm really, really tired.

Not only from going to bed at 2 am last night, but from just everything.

Spending 2 hours getting to work today, getting dicked around by the MTA.

I have to stop internalizing stress. I don't need another ulcer.

I have to stop caring what everybody thinks of me.

I guess I should just keep my mouth shut; I never should have said anything in the first place. Because it'll never be good enough, and I'm tired of trying to make it good enough.

God, I just want to go home and get in bed, and maybe write something *good* for once.

I'm just sick of it all.

Not even the prospect of new Buffy or new Slashville is cheering me up.

Note: *sniff* No new Buffy.I just found out when I put it on. *sniff*

And I think I'm developing an allergic reaction to this damn shampoo I'm using.

Le sigh. Le heave.

~victoria
current mood: weary
current music: Pride (In the Name of Love) (Live) - U2

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2002-01-15 - 11:56 a.m.

Crush alert!

Ooh! Ooh!

Cute guy with no wedding ring at 10 o'clock!

Possible crush material...

Nebbishy [balding, glasses], but scruffy, and nice ass...

Damn, he's walking away. Need to learn his name and marital status!

They paid half of us twice and didn't pay half at all. Christ, you'd think such a huge financial institution would be able to handle money. <*snicker*>

I'm happy 'cause I'm one of the ones who got paid twice.

~victoria

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2002-01-15 - 10:32 a.m.

Hive Mind

Tuesdays historically suck.

We saw this proved in dramatic fashion.

In less dramatic fashion, it took me a freakin' hour to get from W. 4th Street to work this morning.

For those of you counting, that's 50 uptown blocks and about 4 avenues, give or take, depending on how you count.

An hour.

But enough about my stupidass commute.

I keep talking about this hive mind thing, this collective unconscious that seems to permeate fandom to a remarkable degree, way more than real life.

Now, after all this talk of plagiarism on glass_onion, I will be right upfront about my sources. I am not a psychologist. I don't even play one on TV. I did do a number of credits in it in college, and Jung stuck with me more than Freud did [possibly a result of my thinking Freud had no idea what the hell he was talking about in regard to women], and one of Jung's ideas, which became a favorite of mine, is the whole collective unconscious thing.

And I quote:

Collective unconscious. A structural layer of the human psyche containing inherited elements, distinct from the personal unconscious. (See also archetype and archetypal image.)

The collective unconscious contains the whole spiritual heritage of mankind's evolution, born anew in the brain structure of every individual.[The Structure of the Psyche," CW 8, par. 342.]

Jung derived his theory of the collective unconscious from the ubiquity of psychological phenomena that could not be explained on the basis of personal experience. Unconscious fantasy activity, for instance, falls into two categories.

First, fantasies (including dreams) of a personal character, which go back unquestionably to personal experiences, things forgotten or repressed, and can thus be completely explained by individual anamnesis. Second, fantasies (including dreams) of an impersonal character, which cannot be reduced to experiences in the individual's past, and thus cannot be explained as something individually acquired. These fantasy-images undoubtedly have their closest analogues in mythological types. . . . These cases are so numerous that we are obliged to assume the existence of a collective psychic substratum. I have called this the collective unconscious.[The Psychology of the Child Archetype," CW 9i, par. 262.]

The collective unconscious-so far as we can say anything about it at all-appears to consist of mythological motifs or primordial images, for which reason the myths of all nations are its real exponents. In fact, the whole of mythology could be taken as a sort of projection of the collective unconscious. . . . We can therefore study the collective unconscious in two ways, either in mythology or in the analysis of the individual.["The Structure of the Psyche," CW 8, par. 325.]

The more one becomes aware of the contents of the personal unconscious, the more is revealed of the rich layer of images and motifs that comprise the collective unconscious. This has the effect of enlarging the personality.

In this way there arises a consciousness which is no longer imprisoned in the petty, oversensitive, personal world of the ego, but participates freely in the wider world of objective interests. This widened consciousness is no longer that touchy, egotistical bundle of personal wishes, fears, hopes, and ambitions which always has to be compensated or corrected by unconscious counter-tendencies; instead, it is a function of relationship to the world of objects, bringing the individual into absolute, binding, and indissoluble communion with the world at large.[The Function of the Unconscious," CW 7, par. 275.]

From The Jung Lexicon

So anyhow, have you ever had a really great idea for a story and you're all excited because you just woke up and the characters were talking to you? And you write it in only a few hours and get it beta'd and are all excited about posting it?

And so you open your email and are getting ready to post your little masterwork, and there lands in your inbox a fic that's almost exactly the same?

Not writing-wise. I'm not talking about plagiarism, because you haven't posted yet, and they had no way of knowing what you were working on, just as you had no way of knowing what *they* were working on.

Freaky, ain't it?

Don't discount it, because it's happened to me. Ask Jenn about her Change to Color and my Things Change. Posted within hours of each other. Same basic premise. And this was before we began chatting regularly [and dammit! I miss Jenn].

Or even the way the incest fics happened in CLex. I have no idea if xoverau and Te were in communication when they each posted their Lionel/Lex fics. It just seemed like the same idea occured independently to both authors.

And that does happen. With discoveries and scientists and huge leaps forward in technology.

But I just find it fascinating in fandom how there can be little to no overlap [that I'm aware of, anyway] between listmembers and yet one day on X-Fiction, there will be a discussion question about how to write smut or what you consider good smut writing, and then on Friday, that's the Topic on State of the Union.

I mean, yeah, I know two or three people aside from myself who are on both lists, but none of us, that I know of, have any input into any of these discussion decisions.

Even OT stuff can take on an eerie ring, where say, one group is discussing something fairly odd and obscure, and boom, it appears in another, completely unrelated, forum.

I can't recall how many times I've started a post, "We were just talking about this in XYZ!"

I guess it's like when you buy a white Cavalier, all of a sudden you notice how many white Cavaliers there are on the road, or how you've never heard of Pilates and then you hear about it because it's being offered at NLC, and all of a sudden, *everyone* is doing Pilates.

Or the whole Burberry phenomenon. I mean, it's not like there were big glaring ads "Buy Burberry plaid bags and scarves! Do it NOW! It's in style!"

Yet all of a sudden, it's everywhere.

Okay, maybe I'm not making much sense.

But I do find it amazing and interesting, and it says to me, despite Jen's [note the one "n" - gotta distinguish between all the Jennifers somehow -and there's another example. Just how do names suddenly become popular? Aside from the obvious celebrity stuff. I mean, *what*, in 1970, made some huge percentage of new parents name their daughters Christine, Kimberly or Jennifer?] dismissing the whole vestigial/collective memory thing, that there *are* some archetypes that recur naturally in every culture, and that some ideas are going to come up, regardless of how isolated one group may be from another.

It's like there's this wave that courses [do waves course?] though the collective unconsicous and each group falls prey to it in line, until the same tropes and images or ideas or just silliness pops up all over at once.

Hive mind. Collective unconscious. Even, to get all religious about it, atman - the Sanskrit word for the Hindu belief in an oversoul or "the supreme universal self" according to Merriam-Webster Online.

Kinda heavy for a foggy Tuesday morning, eh?

~victoria

link

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2002-01-14 - 11:04 p.m.

Birthday - random spoily thoughts

Thank you, Mere.

Bringing the C/A UST and making this little shipper do a happy little dance.

As for the whole demony thing... Misty Flores did it in First Night [the AtS/XM crossover] and I never thought JW would go there, but apparently, he has.

And Skip... let me count the ways I love Skip.

And one-armed Wesley.

Admittedly the pacing was off, and the direction ... not so good, but I enjoyed it just for the whole Cordelia-kicks-ass-ness of it.

Plus Doyle got a shout out, which was *well*-deserved, especially after they didn't name the kid after him.

Fred and Gunn and Wesley... I see a definite problem coming up there. Should be fun if handled correctly.

Cheers!

~victoria
doing the C/A shipper dance

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2002-01-14 - 8:38 p.m.

A hole in the sky

Broadway/Nassau - my regular exit is closed.

That's where the observation deck has been built. I didn't wait on line. I was cold and I wanted to get home.

I did walk by the tributes all along the gates of St. Paul's. I did cry.

Mostly, I looked up at where the Twin Towers had been, a touchstone, something so massive and iconic in my mind - as well as something I'd always used to orient myself with on the street downtown - and there was nothing there but sky.

And that was wrong.

My eyes saw it and objectively I know it's true, but I cannot for the life of me grasp it. It just looks wrong.

I could see the frame of the atrium from the World Financial Center, and I remember walking beneath it - and outside to Moran's.

And I just can't believe that reality is what it is now.

~victoria

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2002-01-14 - 10:18 a.m.

Vic's WIP list

Hmm... I was a little tetchy last night, eh?

Sorry about that.

I'm actually in a pretty good mood, considering it's Monday morning. I don't mind Mondays. I pretty much sleepwalk through 'em. It's Tuesdays that suck ass.

To rectify the image of me as some hawkish warmonger, well, there's probably nothing I can do.

However, just so you don't think I'm some mindless patriot, I give you our fearless leader, Dubya, choking on a pretzel and passing out. <*snicker*>

And we were all worried about Cheney? <*chortle*>

Sorry. Not a fan of Dubya. Didn't vote for him. Don't think he's doing too badly with the whole war thing, but *god* could he seem any dumber?

Oh well, I don't want to get into a fight over politics, because I no longer follow it that closely. Once I let the subscription to the Nation run out, I stopped paying attention. And yeah, I think I'm on some FBI list now 'cause of that.

What?

A little paranoia can only be a healthy thing in this day and age.

So I was chatting with Beth on AIM last night about her lovely Meglo stories and other works-in-progress (from here on out, known as WIPs - yes, I know it should be WsIP, but that's too hard to type) and we looked over all the stuff we had unfinished.

I do this periodically. It makes me feel sick, sometimes, when I look at all the stories I've started but probably won't ever finish. Though I guess finishing over 100 gives me a pretty good track record.

So anyway, here's the annotated list of my WIPs:

A Thousand Rainy Days - AU - I don't even remember what it's supposed to be about

The White Room - AU - the orgyfic that went dark and scary places; hence my not working on it in months

Better Man - Rogue makes a bad romantic choice - the X-Men have to pick up the pieces

Breakdowns and Wake-up Calls - Kitty, Jubes and Rogue's car breaks down upstate and Logan goes to pick them up. He also realizes a few things about his feelings for Rogue on the way.

Mutant Girl vs. Evol - the infamous BtVS/XM Xover, which is totally AU in the Bverse, 'cause Joyce ain't dead and Spuffy ain't happening.

Coming Around Again - sequel to Second Chances. Logan comes back. Scott and Rogue are together. S/R, L/O

Consumption - working on it! L/R/S/J - AU

All That You Can't Leave Behind - weird-ass story that came to me in a dream. There's a swordfight. There's big explosions. There's mucho angst. Plus, Rogue on television. One of only two stories I've written an outline for, because it's rather complex

Dreaming of Me -ah, the second XM fic I ever began, will never see the light of day, I don't think. Involves an OFC mutant shrink, Rogue, and Fred Dukes.

Drops of Jupiter - epistolary songfic. I blame Jenn.

Exchange the Experience - L/R smut in Alaska, part of Achin' to Be, but I don't know if I'll ever finish it. Rogue turns 18.

Eyes That Lied - Caroline's bunny - Rogue does something so heinous she has to fight to be forgiven by Logan and the X-Men. The other story that has an outline, because it's rather complex and involves a whole big conspiracy. Plus, State Troopers. *g*

Four Corners - the next in Counting Down. Jean finds out. *g*

Gardening at Night - the next in the All of Heaven Away series. Focusing mostly on Jean/Hank and Scott/Ro, which could be why I haven't written much.

Learning to Fly - long-awaited sequel to Gilded Cages, Broken Wings. I know what I want to happen, I just haven't concentrated much on it.

Lousy Timing - based on a scene in the Sopranos, written before my Remy-revelation [that he's not half-bad], so may get folded into something else.

Love, Mutant Style - Pheromone Lady! Yes, one of the earliest ideas I ever had, yet can't seem to make work on paper.

Love's Compass and Nothing Heals Me Like You Do - the third and fourth installments of "Grief and Healing"

Moment to Moment - a dark fic that I have one small conversation written for. I have no idea what comes before or after.

N'Kimah [or Nekomah] - the end of Off the Corner - Logan finally avenges Marie.

Paperback Writer - Logan secretly writing a novel. Grew out of Flirtation 101.

Sickly Skin - will never be finished - cannibalized for Long Hard Road and Keep It Like a Secret -- if it does get finished, will be another Dark!Rogue piece

Someone Always Does - possible sequel to Chasing the Blast. Not sure if it'll ever go anywhere. Needs a better title if it does.

The Day's Hard Light - Logan in 'Nam

With or Without You - angsty little conversation, might get folded into something else, since I can't recall what the hell I was thinking when I wrote it.

Secret Garden - more songfic.

All The Promises Will Be Broken - yeah, I was on a Bruce kick. *g*

Rogue's Clever Plan - PWP. Will involve cantaloupe, for Beth.

Night of the Dead Living - based on Homicide ep of the same name

Remember Me (or Time and Tide) - amnesiac!Rogue fic [and has anyone figured out where that ! construction comes from? See Sarah T.'s blog for the conversation...]

Full Moon Meetings - DevilDoll's idea. Feral Logan. Phases of the moon. Sex and nekkidity at night. Fun stuff like that.

347 - now that Dark Ferret's back, maybe I'll get my ass in gear on this. Or not. *g*

The Prodigal Daughter - Rogue left the mansion after getting her GED. She comes back 10 years later.

Time's Fool - aka the Sex Apartment aka Philately fic. Scott plays matchmaker and hopes Rogue will end up as his sister-in-law; Logan has other ideas.

The Unnamed West Wing/X-Men crossover: Logan knows Leo from 'Nam! Xavier and Jed went to school together! Is Sam the lost third SUmmers brother? Will Rogue get into Georgetown or will Logan piss off the Dean of Admissions so much that not even a recommendation letter from POTUS will get her in? All this and more, if I ever get over my irrational fear of writing WW dialogue.

The next Unspoken story - Logan goes to room 313 at the Westchester Hilton. *g*

Then there's the unfinished Buffyfic:

Love Is All Around - magical coffee leads to unrequited love for everyone

X/W mush for Pete.

And the unfinished Smallville fic:

Cruciato fic - Clark in leather pants and a collar. S&M demons. Cordelia and Lex bickering.

Metropolitan - the Chloe/Lex/Clark threesome/clubbing fic, where Clark gets happy on kryptonite laced GSB and gets laid handsomely. Or maybe it's darker than that. I haven't quite decided. There will be stripping though. Because it's me, and CLex needs stripper!fic.

That's a total of 41 fics. Now do you see why I'm sometimes frazzled and whiny? I have this crushing weight of my own expectations, and sometimes I just freeze creatively and can't work on anything. And that sucks.

So, you see I'm working on it, yes? Whatever it is you want, I'm working on it! *g*

~victoria

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The painting is "Boreas" by John William Waterhouse. Again, not a muse, but I like her. She suits the color scheme.

The quote is from Sir Philip Sidney.

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