a fool's musings

Fool, said my muse to me, look in thy heart and write...

Warning: Adult Content achromatic unfinished fic graveyard recs journal new stuff recent stuff my back pages January 2004 December 2003 November 2003 October 2003 September 2003 August 2003 July 2003 June 2003 May 2003 April 2003 March 2003 February 2003 January 2003 December 2002 November 2002 October 2002 September 2002 August 2002 July 2002 June 2002 May 2002 April 2002 March 2002 February 2002 January 2002 December 2001 November 2001 the five Ws, or, all about me profile e-mail victoria my livejournal the original P&R comments current mood: "pathological and unbalanced" Items of Interest People LiveJournal folks Baraita bishclone claritylit Jintian Kat Allison Kit Mason metablog mix-tapes Neil Gaiman Nestra Sarah T. Seema Shrift Sundry Mourning zendom Music Walk On - U2 Thunder Road - Bruce Springsteen If I Can't Change Your Mind - Sugar Sick of Myself - Matthew Sweet Town Called Malice - The Jam One - U2 The Space Between - DMB Books Lord of the Rings Catch-22 The Neely Trilogy Absalom! Absalom! Possession: A Romance Foucault's Pendulum Dreamhouse LA Confidential I Capture the Castle Sandman Waking the Moon Shows Angel Buffy the Vampire Slayer (in reruns) Alias West Wing The Simpsons webrings < ? fanfiction ! > < ? writers ! > diaryreviews.diaryland.com NYC Bloggers Comments by Haloscan.com all links, if I haven't screwed up somehow, should open in a new browser window

2002-02-12 - 10:57 p.m. Spoilers for tonights' Buffy & Smallville Okay, am I the only one hoping Xander was going to buy it so I could stop watching Buffy just for my Xander fix? I'm terrible. I just can't abandon it. I keep hoping it'll be good again. Now, I'm wishing they'll kill off everyone but Xander and Tara, and send them to England to join Giles. I'd watch that. It'd almost *have* to be better than the shit they're shoveling now. On the other hand, "Leech", the Smallville episode, was too damn fun for words. First of all, Shawn Ashmore played the kid who stole Clark's powers. He's the guy who played Bobby Drake in the X-Men movie. What was his character's name? Wait for it... Eric... Summers. Bwahahahahaha! Poor Lex. His timing is just awful. But I knew he wasn't going to be taken in by that trollop. So glad she's gone for now. Oh well, that's all really. Smallville - good. Buffy - bad. I mean, I kept thinking, "I could be watching Gilmore Girls or JAG." Especially after watching the JAG rerun tonight, which was the engagement party one, where Mac basically forces Harm into admitting he loves her but that he won't ever commit. Such L/R vibeyness there. In fact, I wrote such a scene; it was supposed to be the ending of Time's Fool, but now that Logan's relatively clueful, I've moved it out of there and to a different story. Since I'm in a Leech-inspired good mood, I'll even share it with you, though god only knows when it'll pop up in an actual fic... The scene: Jean and Scott's wedding reception. The players: Logan and Rogue. "I can't wait for you anymore. I know you don't love me that way." "Would you really throw our friendship away for a relationship that probably wouldn't work out?" "I would have, that night, my birthday. But you obviously didn't want me then, and you don't want me now, so don't *even* try to act like you do. You'd fuck anything in a skirt, except me. I learned that a long time ago." His chin came up, as if she'd struck him. "That's really what you think of me?" She waved a hand. "I, yes. No. I don't *know*. Dammit, you always do this to me -- you tie me up in knots, wondering if maybe there could be something, that maybe I was right all those other times and you ran away because you wanted me, and not because you didn't. "But I can't do that anymore, either. I have someone now, someone who loves me and treats me right." "So this thing between you and Alex-- "It's not a thing, Logan, it's a relationship." "And you're so desperate to be in a relationship that you'll take whatever you can get, even though it isn't love?" She laughed bitterly. "What the *hell* do you know about love, Logan? You just watched the woman you *love* walk down the aisle with another man." She turned away, furious at his presumption. It was always like this -- his proclamations on her feelings and her needs, when he never really understood how she felt or what she needed. "And how *dare* *you* -- Mr. One-Night Stand -- judge *me* or my relationships? We can't all be stoic, pining for some hopeless love in the face of impossibility. Some of us need more than meaningless sex and fantasies about the unattainable." "What the fuck are you talking about, Marie?" She shook her head and held a hand up to forestall his comments. "Don't be coy, Logan. It's not you and you don't do it well. I'm talking about Jean. Seven fucking years you've been waiting for her to leave Scott, and what has it gotten you? Not a damn thing. "I can't be like that. I can't spend my whole life waiting for the man I love to wake up and realize how great things could be with us. I can't waste my time waiting for him to realize that I'm not his sister. "You know as well as I do that this business we're in means we could die at any time. I don't want to have any regrets, so I'm not gonna sit around waiting for you. You've made it perfectly clear time and again that you don't want me like that. I learned to live with it. But don't you *ever* judge me or my romantic choices. You don't have that right." He stared at her, hazel eyes unreadable in the darkness. "I never said I didn't want you." "You never had to *say* it," she spat. "It's clear in every action you take." She turned away, pulling her wrap tighter across her shoulders against the slight chill creeping into the air. He grabbed her by the shoulders and spun her around to face him. His eyes searched her face -- he had no problem seeing in the dark. Part of him -- the Wolverine part -- wanted to crush her against him, his mouth seeking the warmth of hers, but with her skin, that wasn't an option. And the more evolved part of him realized it would be a bad idea. That type of thing only worked in bad romance novels (not that he'd read any romance novels, but sometimes, on long road trips, the girls would read out loud to him as he drove; he'd never admit he'd actually listened and kind of enjoyed the stories -- they were too girly and he was, after all, the Wolverine). While the situation could certainly be called bad, from his point of view, he couldn't remember real life *ever* working like the plot of a book. He shook his head, trying to get his thoughts back on track. How could she believe he didn't want her, that he still wanted Jean? That had been over years ago. The endless stream of women who passed in and out of his life had nothing to do with the redhead or his long-past unrequited feelings for her. It had been about *her* -- Marie -- and the mistakes he'd made over the years by not telling her right away how he felt, and instead giving into fear and his own feelings of worthlessness. *** Yeah, it'll have to be rewritten, but I think I know which fic it's getting slotted into, if I ever get back to that one. And to add to my madness, I had this crazy idea today of reworking The Odyssey as an X-Men fic. With Logan as Odysseus and Rogue as Penelope. Please, tell me I'm crazy. Tell me to stop thinking of this. I can't handle it. I can't do it. Somebody stop me! AAAIIIIEEE!!! ~victoria [current mood: crazy] [current music: the voices in my head] [current mood: ] [current music: ] [random quote: ] ~*~ 2002-02-12 - 3:05 p.m. my old gaffer always says... Sam is the faithful servant of Frodo Baggins. He cares an awful lot about his master and would probably give his life for him. Though Sam meets many marvelous people as he journeys with Frodo, he still wishes he was back home in the Shire. Take the "Which Hobbit are you?" quiz created by Cora Black! Huh. I figured me for a fool of a Took. *g* ~victoria [current mood: ] [current music: ] [random quote: ] ~*~ 2002-02-12 - 12:00 pm tying up some loose ends Okay, slightly less grumpy now (not that I'm ever *not* grumpy *g*), a few random thoughts. Yesterday was the 25th anniversary of my (paternal) grandfather's death. It's amazing how quickly time passes. I think, because I don't remember him very well, that's why I'm so attached to the idea of keeping the furniture he made etc. M&D are moving the big wall unit to the new house, Dom has the coffee and end tables, Marguerite has refinished a bunch of small cabinets he made, etc. I don't have anything, but I might end up with one of the wardrobes from the basement, should I figure out what the hell I'm doing about moving. I was looking at classifieds Sunday night, and I really, really can't afford more than $1100 a month. $1200 is almost a whole paycheck for me, which means that 50% of my income would be going toward rent, and that's just insane. I think I can find something in the $1000 range in Forest Hills. I hope so. Sigh. Speaking of anniversaries, today is the 1 year anniversary of The Muse's Fool. Actually, it's not - the site was up sometime in December of 2000, if I recall correctly. It's just that today is the one year anniversary of my actually having a *counter* on the site. *g* 19,000 or so hits since then, and they're not all me, so I'm feeling kind of validated and happy. And I have that sense of belonging I desire. (note the smooth segue *g*) I realize that yesterday I didn't quite tie up the whole "joining v. belonging" question. In fact, I sort of never actually addressed that whole angle of it. Grr. Keep getting interrupted by work thingies. Anyhow, "joining" is, you know, actively soliciting the company of other people for a specific activity. So, yes, I joined mailing lists to read fic, or to discuss Amelia Peabody novels [and there's a whole entry right there - that was my first exposure to mailing lists - to read about He Shall Thunder In the Sky because I was so devastated by what happened in Falcon at the Portal and it was a godsend to discover others as heartbroken as I over Nefret's idiocy and Ramses' pain]. But "belonging" is a whole different kettle of fish. Belonging is when people want you around. You feel like a part of the group you've joined. I could join something and never, ever feel like I belong. I can also belong but never join - it sort of happens by default, usually in personal interactions, obviously, not over the internet. Though I suppose I could feel I belong to something even on the internet that doesns't require actually "officially" joining anything [HMC chat, or #smallville, for example]. As I mentioned before, I like the idea that I belong, especially when I haven't felt like I've done anything to foster others' acceptance of me. Except that, in the case of fic lists, I obviously have, just by providing fic, even if I never participate in discussion (or even if there are no discussions in which to participate, i.e., a fic-only list). Or I provide feedback where I don't write [on the WW lists]. I could cite that article about status and contribuiton in the fannish community [i.e., writers are higher status because they contribute by producing stories, etc.] but 1. I don't remember where it is, and 2. I don't know that I buy it. I also like the idea that I'll be invited to something - I'm included - but I have the option to say no. It's like in real life - I love being invited, just because then I've got the choice. I'd say about 50% of the time lately, I do say no, but it makes me feel like not such a loser to know I had the opportunity to go out, but I chose to stay home and oh, I dunno, write or read or watch the World Series or answer email. I'm not saying no just to be bitchy or exclusive; I probably don't feel like going out, or I can't handle another list, or my laptop gets all wiggy with the chat interface, so I don't do it. And I understand that if I keep saying no, the invitations will eventually dry up, so it's a delicate balance. I manage to handle it, though, and have an active internet life, a reasonably social "real" life, and that sense of belonging I crave. Does that make sense? ~victoria [current mood: cranky] [current music: Losing My Religion - REM - *lurve* this song] [current mood: ] [current music: ] [random quote: ] ~*~ 2002-02-12 - 9:24 a.m. again with the quizzes Will have substantive entry later. For now, more quizzes... All gacked from Riikka: Go Faeries!! Take the What Faery Are You? Quiz! This quiz was made by lia Which British Band Are You? I am a Scorched Earth Tank. When I have a mission, it consumes me; I will not be satisfied until the job is done. I have a strong sense of duty, and a strong sense of direction. Changes in the tide don't phase me - I always know which way the wind blows, and I know how to compensate for it. I get on poorly with people like myself. What Video Game Character Are You? ~victoria [current mood: ] [current music: ] [random quote: ] ~*~ previous - next DiaryLand Disclaimer: Reading this diary is not required by law. If you do not like or agree with the contents herein, or find them to be offensive on more than one occasion, please go elsewhere and don't come back. Management is not responsible for any adverse reactions to content within. The painting is "Boreas" by John William Waterhouse. Again, not a muse, but I like her. She suits the color scheme. The quote is from Sir Philip Sidney. This site is best viewed with IE4+ | 1024x768 | true color | verdana | tables