a fool's musings

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Fool, said my muse to me,
look in thy heart and write...

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2002-03-15 - 10:34 p.m.

rambles

don't mind me. I'm just going to ramble in here as I record some music so I can burn a CD.

I have this thing where I can't let too much space on the hard drive get taken up, because I'm not used to having a 10gig hard drive, and it freaks me a little when I see how much space music files take up, you know? So I delete them in a panic, and then when I want to make another CD [and I owe quite a list of people CDs, starting with Lee and ending with Melissa, with about 6 people in between], I have to recopy the files.

And the thing is, MediaPlayer was acting weird, and then the CD drive went hinky for a bit, so I started using RealJukebox, but then I couldn't find where I'd copied the freaking files to use direct CD to burn the CD.

So I'm back to MediaPlayer, 'cause it's faster, and I keep telling myself I have the free stuff here to do it, so I'm not going to spend money on software to do this.

But every time MediaPlayer starts, RealJukebox also starts, and it annoys the hell out of me.

Why does everything have to be so complex?

Why can't it just be like the double tape deck, where you hit play on one side and record on the other and it just records. Finis.

I know, I'm a whiner, but I'm tired and I just want to make a freaking CD to replace my favorite ever tape which got mangled a couple weeks ago - the "Variations on Helen's Tape" tape, that I made in 1993.

I'm thinking I might be able to completely remake it, but I don't know if I've got everything with me tonight - I didn't bring G'n'R, but I might have copied it a while ago...

Sigh.

I love making tapes/CDs, but it seems way more complicated than it used to.

That could, of course, be that I don't really like much new stuff, and the people I'm making tapes for have a ton of stuff I've made already (though the gusys don't... hmm...) and it's getting harder and harder to be original and still give them stuff I really think they'll like.

Does anyone else have this problem?

I also find that I forget about songs, and then I get happy again when I remember I have them, and everyone gets a copy...

In other news, I'm still getting trickles of Yahoo mail, but I guess everyone figured the outage was the real deal, since there's been nothing for about an hour...

ramblingly,

victoria
beware the ides of March

[current mood: ]
[current music: ]
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~*~

2002-03-15 - 8:50 p.m.

then again, maybe I won't

So, we're in the new house.

It's odd.

I felt very emotional when I walked through the (old) house before we left. I grew up in that house.

Daddy grew up in that house.

I'm now all alone, and everyone is far away.

Realistically, they're an hour's train or car ride away, but it *feels* like more (technically, right now, they're two rooms away, but you know what I mean. *g*).

I guess it's time to truly cut that umbilical cord, eh?

I don't know. I keep thinking, "Be independent. Have fun."

We'll see if it actually works.

If I allow myself to have fun.

'Cause, according to my therapist, the reason I worry so much and am so anxious is that I don't want to allow myself to have fun - that I don't believe I *deserve* it or something.

I'm not sure I believe that.

So this whole, everyone picked up and moved out the neighborhood (Mary & Sal, Dom & Helen, Michele & Paul, and now Mom & Dad) feels like being abandoned.

And I *know* that my big "issue" is abandonment.

So we'll see how this all goes. I'm hoping it'll light a fire under my ass to move, either into the city or to Forest Hills. Either way, it'll be more expensive, and yet so much easier, in terms of commuting and getting home late at night, and getting out here.

Of course, there's the whole learning to drive thing, as well.

And maybe I'll do that.

Then again, maybe I won't.

I know I still owe people email etc., and I'm thinking I'll be getting to that over the course of the weekend. I hope. I'm sure tomorrow will be busy, though not quite as busy as today was.

I'm finding I'm a bit scattered, so I can't make the intelligent entry I was hoping for.

So I think I'm just going to answer a little email, and maybe burn a CD.

There are some weirdass people out there, and they all seem to be finding this diary.

Which should probably scare the hell out of me, except that I know I'm not writing what they're looking for, I just happen to use the words they've plugged into google.

Last night, instead of going to bed early, I ended up staying up and reading the worst bad porn I ever laid eyes on (which, given that I don't read much porn, probably isn't saying much) but this thing was so bad it was hilarious. It was like watching a train wreck. I seriously hope the author *meant* it that way. I mean, donkey-sex? consensual incest? light bondage? really bad writing and spelling?

All there.

And so very, very bad that I wanted to claw my eyes out, yet I just couldn't look away or stop laughing.

Imagine the worst piece of crap you ever read on FF.net, and multiply that by 10. With "original characters" - 2D stock characters.

I guess I am one sick individual for finding it so hysterically funny.

Oh well. Gonna go do the blog rounds now.

Maybe the brain will kick into gear.

Or maybe it won't...

~victoria
[current mood: tired]
[current music: Babe - Styx on Dad's radio]

[current mood: ]
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~*~

2002-03-14 - 5:17 p.m.

stuff for future entries

It is fucking gorgeous out.

I finally went out at 4:45 - to Duane Reade. Need "supplies" for the parents' new house, since I'm going there for the weekend to help them move in, and I finally, finally got my p yesterday afternoon, and mom went through The Change years ago.

I hate when it's late - always makes it that much heavier.

Okay, now that all the men have been scared away... *g*

Many things I was thinking about - this morning, if I'd had time, instead of having to actually, you know, work, I was going to write about my flaws as a writer.

It's partially in response to Tham's entry about writers who think they don't suck, and partially in response to some feedback I got from a few different people about Time's Fool - or, more specifically, the ending of Time's Fool.

And they're right. They're so totally and unbelievably right. So I'm thinking on this. (confidential to NPK - thanks for the advice, I will certainly give some of those things a shot.)

And now that I've finally got a moment to myself here, I was surfing around through people's friends' lists (realize this, people - I am *everywhere* <*snerk*>) and found that Christine had written about how do you know if you're actually a good writer.

Then I was reading some more, and found an entry in Jae Gecko's LJ about technical mastery vs. emotional pull in writing.

And you know I've discussed that before, especially in the whole angsting about awards entry a few weeks back.

So I'm mulling and thoughts are percolating, and you know what?

I can stay up late tonight and sleep in tomorrow, 'cause the 'rents don't need me until the movers are almost done.

Woo fucking hoo!

So yeah, I figure tonight and tomorrow I can catch up on email and LJ//guestbook comments and such (I have not forgotten - I will respond if you've sent me something... seriously), and over the weekend, well, who knows how much internet time I'll have (so the Yahoo thing isn't really bothering me. I'm kind of happy about it, actually), but I hope to have some. And I hope to read some fic and get some writing done.

Got all sorts of swirling ideas now for Consumption, and even a possible last scene...

Yeah.

Writing, good. Finance, bad. *g*

I was doing a chart about the yen vs. the dollar or something for someone here (not one of my guys. FNG's boss, actually) and he was like, "Do you understand it?" I shook my head. "Do you want to understand it?" I must have looked glazed, because he said, "I guess not."

"My degree is in English," I replied. "This is all a mystery to me."

And ooh, ten minutes til I can go home.

Yeah baby.

Anyhow, the weather is fine, I'm off tomorrow, and life is sweet.

~victoria
[current mood: good!]
[current music: Boys of Summer - Don Henley]

[current mood: ]
[current music: ]
[random quote: ]

~*~

2002-03-14 - 2:04 p.m.

atbvs chickens

Work has been busy today.

Work is not supposed to be busy!

I took this job specificially so I wouldn't be busy!

We have a new, new guy, but FNG will remain FNG (and he really is very cute. Has a nice laugh, too. I think I'm crushing. Gah. I'm having odd flashes of wanting to lick his neck. Which is a little distracting when one's trying to work.) because the new new guy is very needy, so he'll be NNG, Needy New Guy.

I'm *a* secretary, but I'm not *his* secretary, but since I sit here and the woman who works for them sits on the other side of the floor, I get to point out where all the supplies are and how to use the fax machine etc.

He keeps asking me stuff like, "Where does the outgoing mail go?" and "What's your exclamation when you're happy?" (WTF?)

::shakes head::

Anyhow, since I don't have a lot of time to write in here this afternoon (having lunch now), I'm just going to post another of my old alt.tv.buffy-v-slayer posts.

You can read the original here, as well as the thread it spawned, in which others got in on the act. *g*

Originally posted by me, victoria p. (aka Miss July) 7/01/2000, in the aftermath of "Restless"...

Yes, I'm boldfacedly and unashamedly stealing the idea from alt.tv.homicide

[and if you're an H:LotS or L&O fan, get thee hither to read those versions,

because they're hilarious]. So sue me.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Buffy: There was a chicken? Was I supposed to slay it?

Xander: I was not choking the chicken, despite what Anya may say, so I don't know why it crossed the road. Stop looking at me like that!

Willow: The chicken crossed the road because all the other chickens were making fun of her because none of her spells worked right.

Tara: Because Willow was on the other side.

Anya: Do chickens have sex? Because the chicken was probably crossing the road to see her orgasm friend.

Giles: The chicken crossed the road because it was the third full moon after the first planter's moon of the new millennium. It's really quite interesting, you see, as the chicken will be involved in a ritual to raise the schlechteshuhn demon.

Cordelia: I had a vision the chicken would cross the road, and, my god, could chickens be any stupider or smell any worse? Get me an aspirin, Wesley. Oh, yeah, Angel, the chicken is in danger.

Oz: Why did the chicken cross the road? Was it on its way to Tibet to harness its inner chicken, so as not to harm any other chickens? Can anyone really know why the chicken crossed the road?

BtVS-Angel: Buffy, be careful- the chicken crossing the road means great danger for you.

A:tS-Angel: Cordelia, we can't charge the chicken, since I failed to help it cross the road, and it got smooshed by a Mack truck.

Angelus: My parents tasted like chicken.

Wesley: According to the scroll of Aberjian, the chicken crossing the road signifies that the trials and tribulations which Angel must undergo to become human will include killing the giant chicken demon of Sri Lanka.

Kate: The chicken was jaywalking, so I attempted to arrest it. It resisted arrest, and therefore, the chicken was dealt with by myself and 5 other LAPD officers, and the charge was kicked up to resisting arrest and assaulting a police officer. It will make a fine fryer when it's convicted in a court of law.

Lindsey: You have no corroborating evidence that the chicken crossed the road. Unless the prosecution produces a witness who can testify that my client is indeed the chicken that crossed the road, if any such road-crossing actually occurred, I demand that all charges be dropped.

Doyle: That chicken was real? I gotta stop having Guinness for lunch.

Faith: Screw the chicken. It never did anything for me.

Spike: Is it an evol demon chicken? Because I could whale on that chicken if it was. I could go for a nice spot of violence, and snapping a chicken's neck would fit the bill. And then we could all have buffalo wings.

Riley: The chicken was under strict orders not to cross the road, but then she realized that she was serving a quasi-Nazi organization whose aims were in direct contrast with the US Armed Forces, and so crossed the road as an act of civil disobedience. The chicken is an anarchist.

Gunn: The chicken crossed the road because it was being oppressed by the white man farmer. Who cares about the chicken? Who feels the chicken's pain, when she's separated from her young and fed drugs to make her breasts plump for cooking? Not the white man farmer. Power to the chicken.

Harmony: To get to Neiman Marcus. [or France]

Snyder: I don't care why the lousy chicken crossed the road. It has detention.

The Mayor: The chicken shouldn't be crossing against the light. It will set a bad example for the children.

Joyce: Chicken? I made chicken for everyone. Xander could you help me in the kitchen with the - ahem - chicken.

/end nostalgia

My favorites are still Gunn and Lindsey.

Hee.

Speaking of Usenet, and mailing lists and such, as I often am, another couple of peeves:

* Jeopardy style quoting. Don't do it. It's annoying. Put your reply after the text you're quoting.

* Speaking of quoting, SNIP what you're not responding to. Don't leave 80 lines of text and respond to the last two. Only leave what's relevant to what *you're* discussing. If you're unsure, ask someone. Or say, "I wasn't sure where to snip, so I've left most of it in." Or something. This goes for feedback to stories as well as discussion posts.

* Put spaces between your paragraphs. No one wants to read an 100 line post that looks like one long paragraph.

* and, I know this one is hard, but maybe, you know, you could read through your mail/the ng before posting after a new episode? So there aren't 3000 posts about the same exact thing? You could just piggyback on someone else, you know. If your brilliant insight *hasn't* been mentioned, then hit send.

::vic rereads what she's written::

Dear god, I've turned into (name deleted to protect the guilty)!

::vic puts her head in her hands in despair::

In other news, this morning I started Cuba Libre by Elmore Leonard. I'd forgotten what great dialogue he writes.

Damn.

Now I'm bitchy *and* envious.

I finished Blood Artists yesterday morning. Liked the ending a lot. Bittersweet, but with a touch of hope. A little wistful. Can't beat that.

~victoria
[current mood: curmudgeonly]
[current music: You Really Got Me - The Kinks]

[current mood: ]
[current music: ]
[random quote: ]

~*~

2002-03-13 - 5:25 p.m.

beware the alpha female

Arrrgh.

Stupid Netscape.

I was halfway through an entry here when the thing shut down on me.

Anyhow, Victor started art class after school yesterday, and he likes it so far. Which is great. I hope he enjoys it, because he shows some inclination and the beginnings of talent for drawing.

He's also signed up for baseball, though I don't know when it starts, if it's T-ball or what. I think it'll be good for him, and Dom won't put up with any bullshit from the coach, as he used to coach little league himself.

Nicki is also enjoying school, but the mind boggles at what questions she must come up with for the teacher. *g*

***

In surfing around, I found this in reference to an article in the NY Times Sunday Magazine called Girls Just Want to Be Mean (free, but registration required), which I'd seen mentioned in Melymbrosia's LJ a while ago. And another link on the same topic from the Washington Post.

Anyone interested in power dynamics in fandoms primarily made up of women would do well to read these.

I don't necessarily agree with everything posited in all of them, but I do think it's intriguing, especially given the discussion now going on on glass_onion about contributions to fandom, and who has the most power etc.

Here's some of what I wrote:

Do you think more people should be creative producers?

We need people who can do fanart and vids and who are willing and able to archive and beta and do author interviews and good recs sites and a dozen other things that can free up the writers to write.

Also, people who simply lurk and send feedback - they need to be appreciated and loved and petted and feted.

How much production do you think is "enough"? For example, how do you weigh writing fanfic vs. sending feedback vs. intelligent posts to mailing lists vs. maintaining a blog vs. being an archivist or a list mod -- which "counts" more?

I personally hold them all in the same esteem. Well, unless the blog isn't mostly about fannish things. Then I probably don't read it unless I know them already.

But as long as someone is contributing in some way to my enjoyment of the fandom, I'm happy as a lark, and I don't weigh or measure contributions.

Do you think people who are creative producers hold more sway or influence in a fandom than someone who is solely a consumer?

God, yes.

For the most part, the people who are the big names in a fandom are

the writers. They have their own "fandoms."

I do think that people who send feedback, especially public, onlist feedback, can dictate the mood of a list, as well as the tone of discussion on such a list, but I don't know that they can dictate a whole *fandom.*

I mean, there are many many lists that probably consist of little but "Buffy'n'Angle4Eva" or "Spike is SOOOO hot!!!1!!," and fic that feeds that need, but Buffydom is big enough that those places can coexist with other, more mature venues that concentrate on discussing the shows and the fic without the extra exclamation points and constant puddles of drool.

God, I sound like a big bitch, don't I? <*snerk*>

But overall, yeah, writers are the big cheeses in a fandom community, which is one reason I think everyone wants to be one. People who "only" send feedback or maintain an archive or beta or even just post intelligently to conversations are generally not considered "producers", though I think they should be.

I think it's possible that, coming from the discussion ng background instead of simply a fic community background, I already valued these types of things, so I didn't fall into the "writer uber alles" mindset that seems to plague some fans (both writers and non-).

I've seen posts prefaced, "I'm not a writer, I just send feedback/beta/lurk/whatever, so I don't know if my opinion means anything..." and that grates my cheese, because, as long as it's reasonably coherent and not deliberately trolling or flaming (or diametrically opposed to *my* opinion, which, as we all know, is the One True Way ), how could it *not* be at least *somewhat* valid? I mean, it's an opinion. Everybody's got one. Typically, in interpreting a text, there can be numerous readings that are valid, and just because one is not a writer doesn't make one's reading *less* valid.

Of course, people who are more active in a fandom will have more social capital with the group, and therefore more sway over it, but that's true of any group endeavor.

A writer who replies with long chatty emails in response to feedback, thereby striking up conversations and making feedbackers feel like members of the community, who helps newbies, gets involved in list conversation, and sends feedback herself, etc. is going to be more well-liked [based on personality, not writing prowess] than someone who drops a fic on a list and is silent and unapproachable the rest of the time.

It's just human nature.

***

On the Smallville front, I was right, of course.

There are people badmouthing Chloe because of what she did last night, as if her actions were somehow worse than Lex's.

Because she's a girl.

Okay, that last bit is me, but you and I both know that that's where it comes from.

Lex is allowed all sorts of latitude in his behavior, but Chloe can't make a mistake, or possibly be genuinely concerned about Clark's adoption, or even be somewhat ambiguous. She's EVIL! if she tries to find out Clark's secrets *which she hasn't, yet*, even though she's got a canonical crush on the boy, but Lex, who has a fanonical crush on him, and who *has* used underhanded means to investigate him, isn't.

He's just misunderstood and in love.

Make me yak.

Poor Chloe. Last week she was the bee's knees for falling out a window. This week she's the evil bitch from hell because she saved a file.

I'm getting whiplash from tracking the rapid change in her status.

For what it's worth, I still like Chloe and don't think she's evil.

Brash? Yeah. Overly-curious? Definitely. Prone to sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong? Absolutely. Tactful? She'll pass. "Tact's just not saying true stuff."

That's what I love about her.

But evil? No.

***

Do we have new West Wing tonight?

I really ought to actually read the TV Guide, huh?

~victoria
[current mood: chatty]
[current music: Sweet Child o' Mine - G'n'R]

[current mood: ]
[current music: ]
[random quote: ]

~*~

2002-03-13 - 10:50 a.m.

I know this much is true...

One of the things that sucks about working for Big Evol MegaCorp ("BEMC"), aside from the faint stirrings of my mostly dormant social conscience, is the fact that they've taken away access to Yahoo mail and Hotmail and various other webmail providers. I can read my AT&T mail via the web, but I can't send anything.

Grr...

One of the things I've been wanting to mention, and in light of last night's Buffy ep, I think it becomes even more interesting, was this entry in Nestra's blog (which again Grrr.... to BEMC, 'cause I can't access it at work - it's blocked out as "adult" - so if the link doesn't work, can someone please let me know? I emailed it to myself last night).

It's about things we know to be "true" in a fictional universe, and the various layers of "truth" that a show/movie brings with it, both onscreen and off.

I have other thoughts, but I'm too scattered to write them all down right now with any articulation or coherency, but I definitely think that being in Internet fandom, being "in the know" as it were, about casting stuff and spoilers and writer interviews and behind-the-scenes contretemps has a huge effect on how one views a show.

I'm far happier as a fan, *not* knowing every little detail. I could have lived without Jeff Pruitt's parable, for example. A lot of the lingering resentment toward Wesley on Angel is due to the rumors that swirled around Glenn Quinn's departure.

Internet fandom, much like nature, abhors a vacuum, so if no reason is given by TPTB for a decision of that magnitude, rumor will spring up in its place. And on the internet, rumor is only a few short clicks away from being reported as "fact."

As an example, I give you the "Angel's Charmies" incident from atbvs back before Angel aired.

A guy named Franklin posted a faux "WB news release" to alt.tv.buffy-v-slayer back in January of '99 (you can see it here) and then a few weeks later, someone posted an article from Cinescape which reproduced Franklin's post as "news" (see that one here).

There were people who bought into this wholesale.

Rumor and gossip are coin of the realm in the entertainment industry, and the Internet lets fans feel like "insiders".

But this is the kind of stuff that can affect the way I view a show - even altering episodes I've seen prior to hearing the rumors.

I mean, what exactly was Aaron Sorkin saying about himself with the storyline about Leo's painkiller addiction?

Most likely nothing (I find that Sorkin gives his characters a lot of his surface and not a lot of depth, which is why we're so often foundering for reasons why the characters make the personal decisions they make. I'm not saying his characters aren't deep - I think they're mostly pretty well-rounded and layered. I'm just saying I don't think he thinks much about their motiviations, because then he'd have to examine his own motivations in similar situations. Because that's what writeres do. "How would I respond to this?" is the first question I ask whenever I write. Then, "How would I respond if I were on the other side of the conversation?" Then, "How would I respond if I were Logan? Rogue? Buffy? Faith?") but still... the facts of his arrest and subsequent admission of drug use now influence the way I view his work.

All this stuff is interesting in a way - I admit to liking to be "in the know" as much as anyone (and that's one reason I don't find Chloe's actions in Zero "evil," as some hysterics on ClarkLex have called it - she's *curious* and she knows something hinky is going on with Clark's adoption. Possibly something that could be *hurtful* to him. I think she has good intentions, as someone else said, but that things will, of course, spin out of control and go bad, because that's the stuff of drama. Road to hell and all that.) - but it's not really *necessary* to understanding a television show.

I mean, yeah, it explains why Whistler wasn't brought back and Doyle was created instead, and possibly explains why Doyle died (and Tim Minear would have done it regardless, I think, of any outside forces. He's admitted to loving killing off Doyle). It explains why, I think, Spuffy is such a huge part of this season - both Marsters and Gellar have repeatedly mentioned their desire for such a storyline. (Sorry Spuffistas - I don't think it was you who got it done, though I know JW et al. pay attention to their internet fans.)

Anyhow, to quote Nestra, "When #1, canon, contradicts #2, stuff that's been reasonably assumed, you're in trouble. For example, finding out that Buffy really has a car we didn't know about."

I'm thinking that the whole of "Normal Again" (or whatever the ep was titled. Being off the ng means I don't know this stuff anymore) was an example of this.

Maybe.

Is Sunnydale real?

Is the institution real?

Are both real?

I have a hard time with the retcon that Buffy was institutionalized earlier. How come Joyce didn't mention it in Becoming when Buffy told her vampires were real? It seems to me that would have been a good time to drop something in, but you and I both know that Joss is flying by the seat of his pants - he's not the long-term planner his most rabid fans like to make him out to be. So, retcon city.

But the fact remains, in canon, there was no mention of Buffy ever being institutionalized for mental illness - and you'd think that it would have come up during one of Joyce's episodes last season, or during Killed By Death - it would have been a better explanation of Buffy's fear of hospitals than Cousin Celia ever was.

Someone named Ari has a great idea for how the show should end here.

Of course I love it. It combines my two favorite series finale scenarios.

I don't know if anyone from the ng reads this, but Mike, Dan, James, if you do stumble across this entry, remember - catatonic on my couch, kleenex in hand, for that series finale. That's what I want. *g*

~victoria
[current mood: headachy but contemplative anyway]
[current music: Panama - Van Halen]



[current mood: ]
[current music: ]
[random quote: ]

~*~

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The painting is "Boreas" by John William Waterhouse. Again, not a muse, but I like her. She suits the color scheme.

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