a fool's musings

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Fool, said my muse to me,
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2002-04-21 - 10:53 p.m.

Folie á Deux

A response to Livia's Smallville X-Title challenge.

Nothing belongs to me, though I'd take really, really good care of Lex if they let me have him. I'd hug him and kiss him and call him... Lex. *g*

Folie á Deux

She lies back against the pillows, sated. She traces the hard lines of his body with her eyes. They never touch afterward, never cuddle. She believes he thinks it would be a sign of weakness. To her, it is simply another sign of what they do not share.

They've never discussed their unexpected pairing, nor the reasons for it, though occasionally the name he cries out when he comes is not hers. She forgives it, because it is the same name she chants in her head while he thrusts inside her, driving her over the edge into bliss.

There is always a third person in bed with Chloe and Lex. Clark hovers above them, silent, reproachful, unattainable.

They come together like this, always in the same room, the same hotel, though the frequency changes. Sometimes it's every night for a week, sometimes not for six months.

But it always happens after Clark has shown them once again that he is not either of theirs to have or to hold.

The first time was awkward and yet sweet -- the day Clark first met Lois, the woman who spoiled both their dreams. In the years since, as they have gone from friends to bitter enemies, their coupling is the only thing that gets them through sometimes, as they watch Clark's star rise both as himself, and as Superman.

Lex turns to her now, and she feels his hard cock against her thigh. She swallows hard against the tears that threaten when she looks at him, and pale skin and guarded gray eyes look back, rather than a mane of sable and the most open green eyes she's ever seen.

There is desperation in her kiss, and she can taste it in his mouth. She closes her eyes, willing herself to believe in their shared delusion. And once again their bodies move in time, trying to exorcise Clark from their minds and hearts, through lust and sweat and the lies they tell themselves.

It is always the same.

This is nothing she ever wanted, ever expected.

And it's all either of them has.

end

***

Yeah, it's a mite depressing, but... it's the first SV thing I've written in a while, well, except for the fun from last weekend which will be posted soon, so I'm all right with that.

Alias musings (and spoilers) over in the LJ for those who are interested.

Also, feel free to send comments, either via guestbook or LJ.

I'm a little leery of email at the moment, so let's forget that option for now.

~victoria



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2002-04-21 - 4:39 p.m.

disenchanted redux

Whee!

D'land is back up.

I was just doing personality quizzes with my oldest niece and nephew. She's the goody-two shoes, he's the outsider. She's Marge Simpson, he's... Lisa. He was very disappointed. He was going for Bart, I know.

I really wanted to discuss the whole, real me v. diary me thing, but people are coming over now, and there really isn't time to go into it in-depth.

I will say that I think this diary (and the LJ) and private email and chat/AIM all together will give you a better picture of me than just listmail. I'm far more diplomatic on lists than I am in private or with friends.

I don't know if that's being a hypocrite or a phony or just trying to get along. That's a question that I've been asking most of my life, you know?

I mean, you all know about my fannish pursuits in far more detail than most people who know me in "meatspace," but that's because *they* don't *want* to know about it, and I concede that listening to someone drone on and on about their fannish interests can be exceptionally boring, especially if you don't share that interest. And I'm terrible at feigning interest. I really am. People call me on it all the time. Sigh. It's embarrassing. I also don't have much of a poker face. I think or feel it, it shows in my expression. And it probably comes out of my mouth if I know you fairly well.

I have learned the rudiments of tact over the years, through brutal reinforement by various family members, because I can be very rude, and I've learned that "but it's the *truth*!" or "I was just *kidding!" aren't going to lessen the sting of a smart remark.

So yeah, tying in with the idea that this public journal-keeping is a performance, I do temper myself in some ways [not naming names, f'r instance], and in others I just let'er rip, because it is my diary, and if I can't rant and rave like a maniac here, where the hell can I?

No one has to read this thing. I'm geeked that you do, but you know, it's not a requirement of fandom, even if sometimes it seems like it is.

And I find my fannishness is at an ebb right now.

There are a ton of great conversations going on in various places [the ever-popular "fanfic pet peeves", the extremely interesting Alexander the Great/Lex Luthor comparisons, the Julian speculation, this discussion of online vs. "real life" identity, and on and on and on...], and I want to get in on them all, but then when I open my email to respond I'm like, "Eh. Someone else will say it, and probably say it better."

So I'm sort of disenchanted again. Or still. It goes in cycles. I love the meta conversation, but it's also draining, and in a far different way than writing fic is. I mean, sometimes I feel like my brain is fried, and sometimes I feel like I'll never write a fic again. And I don't like that feeling.

I guess everyone goes through that fallow feeling, and I've discussed it before, so I won't go into it again.

I have heartburn now. Must take tums. Must do many things. The list is here, and you can comment there as well, if'n you like. *g*

~victoria



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2002-04-20 - 10:07 p.m.

ratings and pairings and warnings, oh my

I'm pouting 'cause I didn't feel the earthquake this morning.

You know, one of the things I always bring up about what makes NY superior to LA is the whole "we're not going to break off the continent (we did that millions of years ago, see, which is why we're an island now, or technically, 2 islands - Manhattan island and Long Island) and sink into the ocean" thing, but apparently we're starting to piss off the tectonic plates as well, and things are moving around down there.

Not loving that idea at all.

Jenn and Peggy are talking about warnings and fanfic.

Well, this isn't something I feel strongly about. *shrug*

I rate my fic because all the fic I'd read before I started writing had been rated. I use character death warnings sometimes because when I started, I was told, "You must warn about character death or you will be flamed." I warn for pairing and for slash for the same reasons.

I've found that, regardless, some people are stupid and will flame you anyway, even though you warn them that there's *gasp* m/m sex in a story with a slash label.

::rolls eyes::

I do it because most of the archives request it.

I do pairing codes because my biggest squick is a pairing, and I don't want to get halfway into the story and discover that's where the author is headed. It's a waste of my time, and makes me nauseated to boot.

Do I think ratings and warnings should be required on fanfiction?

No.

I think it's nice to do so, especially when the subject matter is potentially disturbing (rape, incest, noncon), but not necessary.

I do it because I can't be bothered listening to people bitch me out when they stumble across one of my fics that has something of that nature in it.

It doesn't always work, but I feel it's enough of a prophylactic that I mostly do it.

A good summary should and can take the place of ratings and warnings, but I've found it's easier, and quicker to scan my inbox for things I don't want to read [e.g., "L/J" or "Lionel/Lex" or something] when there are ratings and codes and warnings attached.

I agree that we don't rate books - nor should we - but I don't have any problem with an author rating/coding/warning her own work, voluntarily.

We're not pro writers.

We're a collective of fans.

It seems to me to be the friendly thing to do, to give a heads up - "hey, there's some dark times ahead. Beware." Same as you would warn for spoilers in a newsgroup post. You give people the choice and they can opt out.

I'm all about choice.

Of course, when you're in a fandom for a while, it's easy to know which authors you trust and which get deleted on sight, and warnings become less necessary, because I already know that I'll read Author A and delete Author B.

In my own case, I'm not consistent. I didn't warn of the rape in the rapefic, nor the miscarriage in the miscarriage fic.

I went way over the top in the warnings about Very Sickness, only because I wanted to get my point across, i.e., Rogue was in a very bad place. I was also afraid, and this is the god's honest truth, that a certain contingent of L/R fandom would approve of her actions in the story. And that was the furthest thing from my intent.

I mean, Jenn gets bawled out for not including a Nice!Jean warning?! Christ on a crutch, maybe she didn't include it because she writes a Jean that resembles the character onscreen instead of some sort of psycho hell beast with breasts?

::shakes head::

Peggy takes care of most of the Evil!Jean scenarios I can recall. I'm sure there are others, but I don't read most of them.

I've ranted on that subject repeatedly, and won't go into it again here, because I'm not in the mood. I mean, if you want to create a character who does all those evil things, why not, you know, create a character? Don't demonize or bitchify someone who's a perfectly decent, if flawed human being just because you don't like her. We're talking Jean Grey, here, not Charles Manson, you know?

::Vic drags herself back to the vicinity of the topic::

Honestly, I'm not one of those people who can read fic for a show they've never seen. If I don't know the characters, I find it incredibly hard to be interested in a story about them.

It's fanfic. If I want to read about original characters I've never met before, I'll pick up one of the fifty books sitting unread on my bookcase.

I also don't care to read most stories that aren't about my pairings or the characters I really love.

Things I'll read, if you're halfway decent and have learned to use spellcheck:

Roguefic
Rogue/Logan
The occasional Remy/Rogue, if there's a strong Rogue in it
Logan by himself
Scott/Rogue
Scott/Jean
Scott by himself
Ororo/Remy
CLex
ChLex
ChLark
ChLana
Lionelfic
Xanderfic
X/W
Giles/Ethan
Cordyfic
Angel/Cordy
Angel/Xander
Lindseyfic
Wesleyfic
Gunn/Wes
The occasional Snape fic
Josh/Donna
Sam/Ainsley
casefile or episode fic with no romance
Jed/Abbey
Leo/CJ
CJ/Toby (though selectively. This seems to be the favored pairing in WW, along with Josh/Sam, while J/D is looked down on. And that's a subject for another time, why the so-called "elite" writers look down on certain pairings and raise up others)

The list is long, as you can see. I've dipped a toe in Homicide, SW and XF and I make no promises when Spiderman comes out that I won't be ficcing there [depends on if Tobey makes me believe. Right now odds are not running in his favor].

Well, this is completely off the topic of warnings and ratings and coding, isn't it?

Huh.

Let me say I agree with Jenn that a Bad!Fic warning is the most useful of all, and contrary to what she says, it does exist. I give you some examples:

"I wrote this in 15 minutes between classes LOL. Plese read ad reveiw."

"Logan comes home and falls in love with Rouge" (a story I'm sure Maybelline would subsidize. *snicker*)

"Sam's long lost sister visits the White House and makes him realize his feelings for Ainseley"

"This is my first fic. I'ev never read X-Men or seen the movie lol but their so HOT I just HAD to write this story!!! If U send me lots of feebdack, I have three more stoires I can post! Plese reveiw!!!"

Okay, I think at this point, I may qualify as abusing sarcasm.

I'm going to try to connect to the internet again and see if the local number works.

Ah! Success!

~victoria
[current mood: snarky]

All typos in the bad!fic warnings are intentional. All others are not.

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2002-04-20 - 12:59 p.m.

listen to the rhythm of the falling rain

Raining again.

Last night's storm was epic, fucking biblical in intensity.

I tried to wait it out, standing beneath the little awning of the building where the smokers congregate, but the rain came down in sheets, sprayed horizontally at times, driven sideways by the wind.

The sky -- night-dark at 5:30 on a Daylight Savings afternoon -- glowed with that odd silvery-green glow a good summer thunderstorm will give you. No black clouds. No. Just a sky the color of verdigris, lightning illumining things, a split-second flash when the world is a negative image of itself.

So yeah, all in all, a pretty fucking vengeful storm.

This is the point where someone usually says, "Well, we need the rain."

Which is true. The whole tri-state area is in a drought. Possibly other states up and down the Eastern Seaboard as well.

But.

If it's not raining up at the reservoir, it doesn't do us jack, does it. <- note, not a question. punctuated with a period. full stop. intentionally.

So it's raining again now, slacking off a little. The sky is lighter than yesterday evening, but still with that grey-green pearlescent patina of storm.

And my skin is almost humming with static electricity. I can feel it raising the hair on my arms, sending slight tingles down my spine.

I really need to get offline and pack, and also, who wants to be online when one can get one's PC fried by lightning?

It's bad enough Yahoo mail is playing all these tricks. None of the mail purportedly from me is in the sentmail folder of my Yahoo account. I don't know what the hell is going on there, but again, I'm not sending anything with attachments, nor anything at all from the shoe715@yahoo.com addy, so if you get something, please delete it without opening.

I'm thinking one of my things tonight, to take the space of the writing I won't be doing, might be to change the contact email address on all the pages of my website. Since I don't have it attached to a template, that means opening over 150 files and replacing two links in each.

Gah.

I also want to do the chronology. I've got it done for non-XM stories, but now I need to go through XMMFF and check dates.

Yeah, exciting, I know.

The perfect exercise for a hungover lassie such as I.

6 or 7 Absolut and tonics, I'm not sure. I lost count. I know I was one behind Jill and she had 7 or 8.

A Chinese chicken salad that was incredibly disappointing.

A bar bill of $270 [including tip].

Yeah, it was a good night.

Even if I did spend the first couple hours soaked - but only the back half of me.

My umbrella was mostly useless, but it kept my head dry.

The rain came down horizontally, so there was really no escape.

But I had a really good time. I came home, showered (since I reeked of smoke - this is the bunch with the smokers; none of my other friends smoke), and fell into bed.

In other news, I've updated The Muse's Fool.

Cicatrix and Night of the Dead Living are up. So check it out and let me know what you think.

~victoria

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The painting is "Boreas" by John William Waterhouse. Again, not a muse, but I like her. She suits the color scheme.

The quote is from Sir Philip Sidney.

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