a fool's musings

Fool, said my muse to me, look in thy heart and write...

Warning: Adult Content achromatic unfinished fic graveyard recs journal new stuff recent stuff my back pages January 2004 December 2003 November 2003 October 2003 September 2003 August 2003 July 2003 June 2003 May 2003 April 2003 March 2003 February 2003 January 2003 December 2002 November 2002 October 2002 September 2002 August 2002 July 2002 June 2002 May 2002 April 2002 March 2002 February 2002 January 2002 December 2001 November 2001 the five Ws, or, all about me profile e-mail victoria my livejournal the original P&R comments current mood: "pathological and unbalanced" Items of Interest People LiveJournal folks Baraita bishclone claritylit Jintian Kat Allison Kit Mason metablog mix-tapes Neil Gaiman Nestra Sarah T. Seema Shrift Sundry Mourning zendom Music Walk On - U2 Thunder Road - Bruce Springsteen If I Can't Change Your Mind - Sugar Sick of Myself - Matthew Sweet Town Called Malice - The Jam One - U2 The Space Between - DMB Books Lord of the Rings Catch-22 The Neely Trilogy Absalom! Absalom! Possession: A Romance Foucault's Pendulum Dreamhouse LA Confidential I Capture the Castle Sandman Waking the Moon Shows Angel Buffy the Vampire Slayer (in reruns) Alias West Wing The Simpsons webrings < ? fanfiction ! > < ? writers ! > diaryreviews.diaryland.com NYC Bloggers Comments by Haloscan.com all links, if I haven't screwed up somehow, should open in a new browser window

2002-04-29 - 10:41 p.m. the destroyer? shyeah, right. Tonight's Angel... Two words... Um, no. Please, no. Jen warned me it was coming, and I didn't believe her. I didn't think ME would do something so lame, but... there it was. But Wes looked hot. And Lilah was fun. "Are you just going to polish my desk with your ass or do you have a reason to be here?" Hee. ~victoria [current mood: disappointed] [current music: Waiting in Vain - Annie Lennox] [current mood: ] [current music: ] [random quote: ] ~*~ 2002-04-29 - 3:03 p.m. "put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up" I have the shakes. I waited too long to eat and now I have the shakes. Goddammit I hate that. So I got my tax refund (can I get a Woo! and a Hoo!), paid a bunch of bills, transferred money into my savings account, and took out $100 from the ATM. Of course, I get two fifties instead of five twenties. I says to myself, says I, "Go to Barnes & Noble to break the fifty, since the caf cashiers will bitch and moan about it." I go into B&N. This is never a good idea. I believe I've mentioned the obscene pile of unread books sitting on my bookshelf and coffee table. I've just added four more. + Bump and Run by Mike Lupica, a sports/comedy/mystery/Dave Barry type novel, that's been on my wishlist since it came out in hardcover (Lupica is a sports columnist in the NY Daily News, and usually a panelist on The Sports Reporters on Sunday mornings on EPSN. I try to read him always). + The Character of Rain by Amelie Nothomb, about a little girl in Japan (in hardcover no less. *sob*) + Girl in Hyacinth Blue by Susan Vreeland, about the provenance of a "lost" Vermeer and +Book of Dreams, by various, edited by Neil Gaiman - a book of short stories set in the Sandman universe. Sigh. And of course, instead of breaking the $50, I spent it - or $44 of it, anyway. I should NOT be allowed in bookstores anymore. So much for fiscal responsibility, eh? In another show of how my karma is seriously fucked, the one kind of candy I do not like to get from a box of chocolates is anything coconut filled. I do not like coconut. I do not like it, Sam I am. So one of my guys just became a grandfather [Congrats!], and he's passing around a box of chocolate. I pick two lovely dark chocolate snacks. And the first one I bite into is... wait for it... coconut. Of course. That's the story of my life, right there. Luckily, the second one was a dark chocolate truffle, so it was okay. But damn. I ought to have known the odds were that I'd get coconut. As usual, other stuff in the LJ. ~victoria [current mood: sated and spendthrift] [current music: Carry On, Wayward Son - Kansas] [current mood: ] [current music: ] [random quote: ] ~*~ 2002-04-29 - 10:00 a.m. trying to write it all down... So, I went to bed early last night [11 pm on the nose] and I still don't feel like I got enough sleep, though it was 2 hours more than I usually get when I stay over at the parents'. But I feel awake, at least. I don't have that overwhelmingly exhausted feeling where my eyes want to sink into my head and my whole body feels as if it's going to fold into my chest when I close my eyes. You know the feeling I mean, right? When you're so tired that the act of falling asleep becomes a phsyical sensation - you can feel your body slowly shutting down... It's freaky-deaky. It really is. Also, I had one of those, "wake up and get dressed" dreams, where, when you actually wake up, it's déja vú all over again. Déja vú freaks me out. Wrote 1500 words on the orgyfic last night. I'm hoping that if I get the scenes out of my head and onto paper as they arrive, I can just forget this damned story, seeing as how 1. I don't know where it's going now, and 2. I don't want to write it. But yeah, I wrote the "Rogue tells Logan the truth" scene. I'm not sure I like it. I have the psychokiller fic stuff to type up. I'm trying to figure out a good, shorthand way to indicate that Rogue is reckless and overconfident in her abilities, which is sort of necessary to the story. She needs to believe she can handle anything, so when things go bad, she's really stunned. And the others need to know that she's overconfident, and be leery of partnering her on missions when Logan isn't around to save her bacon. I'm thinking she's absorbed a bit more of Logan over the years and so she's got his swaggering confidence, but neither the experience nor the skill level to carry it off without getting really hurt [and no healing factor to pull her chestnuts out of the fire if she gets hurt, either]. She wants to prove she's an adult and can handle the responsibility, which is why she'll be secretive about things, bringing in only the younger members of the team [Kitty will help with the computer stuff]. And so they have to "bail her out" when she's in trouble. Except, of course, that I want her to get herself out of trouble before they can do so, because she has to learn *something* from this whole ordeal, and live with the consequences of blood on her hands, which Logan, at least, has been trying to shield her from. I don't know if there'll be any romance in this. Oh hell, who'm I kidding? Of course, there'll be romance. *g* No, seriously, I'm not sure. I don't think there's room for much romance in this thing. At least, not how I'm picturing it now. It's very *anti-romance* actually. So if there is anything romantic between Logan and Rogue, it'll be non-romantic in nature, if that makes sense. I mean, there may be feelings revealed or resolved, but there won't be any candlelight and rose petals and lingerie. I'd be stripping away the trappings of romance to show the relationship beneath. Because this psycho guy, he thinks *he's* romantic. And he's like a grotesque parody of romance. Oh yeah. If it works, it'll be pretty freaking cool. Now I just have to shut up with the talking about it and get to the writing of it. Always the hard part. *g* Jen asked me if I'd learned anything from putting together the chronology. I'm thinking on it. I've learned that I've improved as a writer. I've learned that I return to the same themes and the same genres over and over again [light romance, noir], and that I was damned prolific for a while, and the quality was pretty good to excellent most of the time. I've gotten more comfortable inside Logan's head, definitely. And also in Rogue's. I've learned that my perception of the characters isn't static - it can change and grow, and now I don't know if I could recapture the feeling of some of the earlier stories. I've read too much fic and learned too much background. I've developed a fascination for Charles/Erik. I mean, I already had it, walking out of the movie the first time, but now I'm feeling able to explore it more, allow that failed relationship [friends? lovers? brothers?] to inform Xavier's character more, when I write him. I'm still not confident enough to tackle him directly. Still need that buffering POV, possibly Erik or Jean or Scott. Still not comfortable with Jean, though I feel I understand her a little better. Ororo, too. But really, I don't know that I did it for any reason but that I wanted to, because I wanted to see if there were any patterns. As of yet, I'm not sure there are. But I have a way of seeing patterns where they don't even exist, so I'm sure once I look it over as a list of stories, rather than just as a list that needs links and code added, stuff will start to pop out at me. If you see any patterns, feel free to let me know. ~victoria [current mood: determined and ambitious] [current music: Abacab - Genesis] [current mood: ] [current music: ] [random quote: ] ~*~ 2002-04-28 - 7:58 p.m. "we don't need no thought control" This is my day of jubilee! Bring me the finest bagels and muffins in the land! Yes, boys and girls, I finished the Chronology of Fic. You can laugh all you like, but when you've written 140+ stories, putting them all in date order is no easy task, especially when you don't have the dates written down for some of them and have to go back to the Yahell archives and look up the posting date. But it is done, and I am happy. Check it out and let me know if any links don't work or something. In other news, I had my first Dream dream last night. This morning actually. It was pretty funny and quite satisfying. *eg* I also dreamt about writing a fic that had a title that started with an "F" or maybe it was an "If", I'm not sure. No Alias tonight. Maybe I'll go watch Nero Wolfe. Then again, maybe I won't. I could do some writing. Of course, I was thinking last night about fic and of course that damn orgyfic is still being insistent about being written. Sigh. I wish my thoughts were more easily controlled. When I start thinking, getting everything back in train is like trying to herd cats. ~victoria [current mood: ] [current music: ] [random quote: ] ~*~ 2002-04-27 - 5:53 p.m. "Once they've pegged you, they've pegged you for life." Sheer randomness... Tried to get on AIM last night. Laptop froze. I took that as a sign, and spent the night working on my chronology of fic, which isn't done yet, but I've got all of 2000 and the first two months of 2001 in order. I used to post fic every three or four days. ::shakes head:: I fear me. Also, I was wrong on some of the dates that I remembered. Some stuff was written earlier than I recall. Memory is a funny thing. I miss those heady days of being *on*. I don't feel like I'm *on* much anymore. Most of my writing feels forced and unnatural to me. I'm not sure why that is. I wonder if the whole "not having fun anymore" is part of it. The other thing I did last night was finish Season of Mists, which is awesome, and this morning I read A Game of You (which may turn out to be the psychofic title, since it fits and it's too damn cool a title not to steal), and liked that a lot, as well. So I was telling M&D about the end of Season of Mists and my dad asked to see it. So I pulled it out and showed him. He was like, "This doesn't look like the comics I used to read." He grew up with Superman and, I guess Batman, and the Archies and the Shadow and the Phantom and Dick Tracy. I mean, he's in his 60s. If he'd kept the stuff he read as a kid and teenager [when did Spiderman come out? I think he might have read Spidey, too], he'd have a collection worth quite a pretty penny. After flipping through, and my explanation of the storyline [which I won't spoil for you here, but damn, it's cool], he said, "Is this the first one?" I said, "No. I have the first three at home." He said, "Bring them with you next time. I want to start at the beginning." Now, honestly, I was surprised. Shocked, even. Because my dad - he's not the most adventurous reader out there. Tom Clancy and John LeCarre, sure. But Sandman? So we'll see. I'll bring them next week and if he can make it through to "The Shadow of Her Wings" in Preludes and Nocturnes, then I think he'll be hooked. But who knows? I've given up trying to figure out my parents. They always surprise me when I try to pigeonhole them. I should have learned by now not to label people and put them in boxes, because they'll always surprise you. Yeah, sometimes it'll be in a bad way [e.g., finding out that someone you thought was fairly openminded about something turns out not to be], but they'll always surprise you. Of course, this reminds me of my entry from yesterday morning, about geekiness. I keep recalling the line, "Once they've pegged you, they've pegged you for life." Which I believe was the mantra of the main character in Secrets of the Shopping Mall one of my favorite books as a kid. It's about these two eighth graders who are on the run from a gang, and they end up living in this huge shopping mall. Not quite as good as From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, but similar, at least on the surface. It's *hard* to shed a label once it's been applied to you. In American society, at least, "geek" is something that is only recently becoming respectable, and only certain types of geek, at that. There is still this ... fear? distrust? of fantasy in this country. One should keep one's feet on the ground and one's head out of the clouds. Daydreamers and people who read comics and play roleplaying games and read fantasy novels with barely-clad women and burly men on the covers... We're still leery of such people. I say we because even though I fit those categories [except for the RPG part, and I did own a version of D&D as a young'un, just never had anyone to play it with, so I never played... and yet another scary childhood secret is revealed. *snicker*], *I* still think I need to hide this stuff from others - my coworkers, various friends who are "work friends" instead of close friends, and the like. I downplay my internet involvement, I make fun of my fanfiction attempts. And I shouldn't. I'm behaving like the 14 year-old who is desperately trying to be liked by the "cool kids". And the strange thing is, my version of who is "cool" isn't the same as it was then, so I don't know who the hell I'm trying to impress, because there *isn't* anyone to impress, you know? There's only other people, just like me. The people who love golf or basketball or boxing or opera are just as weird as the people who collect action figures or write fanfiction. We're all weird in our own ways. We just let "society" and "the media" dictate to us who is "cool" and who is not. And I'm using quotes there to get across my sarcasm, which you know, I have a hard time conveying sometimes in writing. So, labelling... it also ties in with the thing I wrote yesterday about standards, and the idea that I may be missing out on something because I dismiss an author out of hand because of typos or grammar or OOC-ness. The thing is this - I do try to give authors a second and third chance. I do read a few stories by people before I make my determination. And there are authors on my autodelete list by whom I'll occasionally open up a story, just to see if things have gotten better. Usually, they haven't. Occasionally, I'm impressed with a plot idea or a turn of phrase, but other things will so grate on me [typically the characterization. I'm a stickler for characterization], and I'll end up hitting delete anyway. Or I'll see the same damn errors being made, that are newbie or just new writer errors, and it'll piss me off. Don't people read books? Don't you see that the punctuation goes INSIDE the quotation marks on dialogue? (For American readers/writers. I understand that things are done differently in Britain and Australia and possibly even in Canada, and I make exceptions for that.) But god, open up a book, people. LOOK at the formatting, the grammar, the punctuation. These are the basics, and if you haven't mastered the simple art of putting commas inside the quotes and before the "he said" portion by your third story, you're just not trying. And don't get me started on formatting issues. How freaking hard is it to insert a blank line between paragraphs? It's hitting the enter key twice. And yet, I still get fic in my inbox that isn't formatted to be readable on a computer screen. ::deep breath:: Sorry. Anyhow, yes, exceptions. People whose first language isn't English. But still, if you're that unsure, get yourself a beta who *does* speak, read *and* write in English, preferably one who knows the difference between it's and its and there, their and they're. Youth is only an excuse for so long, to me. If you're young, and you know you need help - get it. Ask for it. Not everyone is a burned out old cow like me. There are many, many people who'd be willing to help if you just asked. How do you think any of us ever *got* a beta reader in the first place? As for my bona fides, and why I feel qualified to even spew this crap time and again, go read my fic. You may not like it. Some of it is indeed pedestrian and mediocre. But it's all at least well-edited; the spelling and grammar errors are few [and if you find one, give me a shout and I'll *fix* it], and the characters are reasonably recognizable as their counterparts onscreen [except in "Trust..." but... I loathe that story. I really do]. That's all I'm asking. I'd offer to beta for the world if I had the time and patience. I used to love to beta before this whole weariness thing set in, and I figure if I *do* take a break from fandom, which I'm seriously thinking I'm going to, I'll probably come back with renewed enthusiasm. Or I may just keep myself to myself, write and post and read and send feedback, and not feel like I have to be involved in every little thing that comes down the fandom pike. I dunno. ~victoria [current mood: bewildered] [current music: golf on television] [current mood: ] [current music: ] [random quote: ] ~*~ 2002-04-26 - 6:23 p.m. crit and minimum standards, yet again The crit/feedback topic came up again today on X-Fiction. I guess I shouldn't say *again*, because I don't believe it's come up on that one before. Someone new to the list - and apparently to fandom, or at least the fic part of fandom - was surprised that some of us have a whole bunch of things that will make us hit delete on a story, outside of disinterest. S/he felt that we weren't giving everything a chance, and that this was perhaps unsupportive of newbie writers and possibly a bit too strict. S/he also wrote that if one sees something wrong in a fic, one should let the author know, that the author would "love you for it". My response is as follows: Not *a* misspelling. We all make typos and use the wrong word occasionally [I'm notorious for the from/form typo]. I'm talking about *rampant* misspellings, that a spellchecker would catch, if the author had bothered to take the time to run it. Or things like continuously spelling Rogue "Rouge," which spell check *won't* catch, but if someone can't take the time to make sure that the main character's name is spelled right, then why should I take the time to read the fic? I mean, once or twice, okay. And if it's pointed out and they fix it, fine. Good. We all make mistakes. But repeatedly making the same errors over and over? That shows me the author doesn't care, and if she doesn't, why should I? As for the summary - a good summary will draw me into a fic I might not normally read. A bad one - or one with the rampant misspellings noted above - will send me scurrying to the next fic. Let's face it, fanfiction is a *readers'* market. There's so much of it out there, so many lists and authors and fandoms. In X-Men alone, you've got various versions to choose from. Why should I, as a reader, spend my valuable reading time on something that *isn't* the best it can possibly be? I'm not expecting anyone in the fic world to produce Nobel-winning literature. I *am* expecting care to be taken to spell the characters' names right, that Westchester isn't identified as a "small town in upstate NY" when it is in fact a large and affluent *county* just north of Manhattan, and most importantly, that the characters resemble the characters I already know and love. If I want original characters, I'll read original fiction. Basic spelling and grammar are the building blocks of writing. If an author hasn't mastered them yet, s/he should be asking for help, not posting fic and expecting lavish praise for it. Ahem. Can you see you've hit one of my hot-button issues? [here's where s/he said something about maybe these standards are too tough] It's a matter of experience. Having been in online fandom for a few years, and in XMMFF in particular since the beginning, and having gone through a few kerfuffles on these issues, I'm less patient than someone who is new to the experience. I've also got other fandoms I'm looking to read, so I have a lot of fic to weed through in a limited amount of time. I *can't* read everything, so I have some basic rules in place to help me pick out what I think I'll enjoy, or, at the very least, won't make me want to fling my laptop out the window at the 10,549th instance of "Rouge caresing Magento's taunt muscles." (God, I love that example. Thanks again, DD!) [and here is where s/he says that many newbie authors *want* crit] You'd be surprised actually at how many *don't* want such help. Sorry. Again, bad experiences lead to bitterness. I've beta'd for new writers. I had a wonderful experience as a new writer myself (my first story had 4 beta readers and umpteen drafts before it was posted. I've since gotten more confident, but longer stories *still* go through numerous rewrites and at least two-three other sets of eyes before posting). But I also know that newer writers, for the most part, tend to be most resistant to critique, feeling that it is a personal attack rather than simply a *critique* meant to help. Many, many people are hesitant nowadays to send constructive criticism simply because they *don't* know how it will be received. Sometimes people invite criticism, and then when they get it, they freak. Some people feel that crit should end when the beta process does. There's really no way to know for sure, so a lot of people simply bite their tongues and hit delete. Sad, but true. And this is pan-fandom. I've discussed this issue with people from various fandoms from Trek to Buffy to X-Men to Stargate to West Wing to Farscape to Smallville, and that's the one thing that doesn't change - do you send constructive criticism, how to handle newbie writers, etc. Obviously, mileage varies. No doubt there are various typos in this email, as emails criticizing spelling and grammar always contain spelling and grammar errors. It's like a rule or something. *G* That's just for those of you tuning in late. I'm singing the same old song, just to a new audience. and now, time to go and catch the train. Feel free to comment. ~victoria [current mood: wiped] [current music: Pride (In the Name of Love) - U2] [current mood: ] [current music: ] [random quote: ] ~*~ 2002-04-26 - 1:38 p.m. letting the freak flag fly. Or not, as the case may be. Let me get the pimping out of the way first... Bright Shiny Objects -- the latest and coolest in multi-fandom recs sites -- has been updated. Check it out! Next time, I may be ballsy and rec myself. Then again, maybe I won't. And Sabine, hon, you'll be on next time. Promise. *g* Just remind me. *** Just for fun: The 50 worst sports ideas ever, including my favorite: Robin Ventura charging Nolan Ryan. I love that story. Poor Robin. He was a dumb rookie. He didn't know any better. Apparently Ryan, having suffered a humiliating fight early on in his career, decided he was never going to be beaten up again, and he showed Ventura who was boss. *snicker* *** Lots of Depresso-Girl stuff in the LJ. Just to warn you. You may not want to read it. *** Read Viridian5 on Remy/Rogue and why it doesn't work. Interesting stuff, even if it is Remy-centric. What? I'm a Rogue fan, all the way. At least, movie and Evo-wise. Comics... I don't know. I don't read 'em. *** Speaking of comics, I have three of the Sandman books with me - Season of Mists, which I'm in the middle of, A Game of You (a title I might have to lift for a fic, because it's *such* a great title *g*), and the sixth one, the name of which I'm blanking on. So I'm sitting on the train this morning, thinking, "I could do some reading." The envoys have just shown up in the heart of the Dreaming, and I want to know how it all plays out, right? But then I thought, "Do I really want to pull out a *comic book* on the subway? Whatever will all these strangers I don't know and don't care about *think* of me?" Gasp. Horrors. "They'll think I'm a *geek*!" It's strange how one sets up certain lines and then can't work up the courage to cross them when they become superfluous or meaningless. I was thinking of what my 21yo self would think of my 31yo self writing fanfic and reading comics and being all enthusiastic about *superheroes*. On a computer for god's sakes! (Remember, back in 1991 - no email, no internet for us "normal" or "mundane" types, except for typing papers.) And I could hear myself saying, "Jesus, Vic, you just got *over* the whole scifi/fantasy thing. You just got *cool*! What the fuck are you doing?" Strange how we think we've grown up and past certain stereotypes and fears and being *labeled*, and yet ... when push comes to shove, I was still leery, now, at the ripe old age of 31, of pulling out a comic on the subway and identifying myself as a *fan*. ::shakes head:: I'm quite disappointed in myself, really, because I'm an advocate of letting the freak flag fly, you know? I mean, I dress all in black. I wear black lipstick and clunky black boots. It's not like people haven't *already* made certain assumptions about me. Yet... I'm still gunshy about comics in public, I still refuse to go to a con, and I just don't *get* RPG. I keep telling myself, "I may be geeky, but I'm not *that* geeky." Which is a goddamned LIE, because I AM that geeky. I hate hypocrisy, and I especially hate it in myself, especially over something I keep thinking I've made my peace with. And yet it still rears up and bites me in the ass. I admit my fannishness is at an ebb right now, but still, I shouldn't be ashamed of what I like. ::bangs head on desk:: Blow away the dreams that break your heart Blow away the dreams that tear you apart Blow away the lies that leave you nothing but lost and brokenhearted Commentaires? ~victoria [current mood: disappointed] [current music: Promised Land - Bruce] [current mood: ] [current music: ] [random quote: ] ~*~ previous - next DiaryLand Disclaimer: Reading this diary is not required by law. If you do not like or agree with the contents herein, or find them to be offensive on more than one occasion, please go elsewhere and don't come back. Management is not responsible for any adverse reactions to content within. The painting is "Boreas" by John William Waterhouse. Again, not a muse, but I like her. She suits the color scheme. The quote is from Sir Philip Sidney. This site is best viewed with IE4+ | 1024x768 | true color | verdana | tables