a fool's musings

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Fool, said my muse to me,
look in thy heart and write...

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2002-05-07 - 10:54 p.m.

If Woody had gone to the police, this never would have happened

By clicking the link below, you waive any right to complain that I've spoiled you for anything that happened on either Buffy or Smallville this evening, and that INCLUDES previews for next week.

All righty then...

Crush and Seeing Red stuff.

***

Got another fic idea on the way home tonight, which I wrote two scenes for.

If I can make it work like it's in my head, it will possibly be the darkest thing I've written yet, or rather, the darkest Rogue.

Could be a bumpy ride. *g*

~victoria

[current mood: pleased]
[current music: Time After Time - Eva Cassidy]
[random quote: If you fall I will catch you, I will be waiting, time after time]

~*~

2002-05-07 - 4:18 p.m.

short musings on how Angel is off-track

You know, as I surf through blogland, avoiding work and taking a break from both Consumption *and* the ChLark/Clana fic that's eating my brain right now [and tonight we'll see how Jossed I get. I'm blaming the Gough interview for spawning the dream that spawned the fic, the beginning of which you can read here], I've been reading about last night's Angel and about tonight's Buffy and I've come to the conclusion that, for whatever reason, most fans are not happy with the paths each show is taking.

I'll refrain from discussing BtVS until tonight, after I've seen it [though if you don't mind being spoiled, or are already spoiled, as so many of us are, go read Mustang Sally's rant about the episode. Me, I'm cackling gleefully over it on the one hand, and on the other, well... I said I'd wait til tonight, and so I will].

But as for Angel...

Is it me or is Angel having the same trouble that really sunk Buffy, beginning in S4?

The trouble I'm talking about is the whole, "My friends and family are more important than saving the world" thing. I'm sure there's a nice term for it, that my sleep-deprived brain isn't coming up with. (Sarah T. will know what it is I'm looking for. She always does.)

It's the attitude that allowed Willow to search for a cure for Tara instead of ways to defeat Glory, and that the writers made it so that she was rewarded for this self-centeredness.

Nowadays on Angel, none of his actions seem to engender serious consequences.

Or, rather, none of the AI crew, excluding Wesley, seems to care about the consequences. As long as none of them, or anyone they care about, has been hurt, they don't care.

And that's a major problem in a Champion or a Warrior for Good or whatever the *hell* Angel (and Buffy, for that matter) is supposed to be.

I mean, helping the hopeless? Saving souls? Where'd that go?

It's okay if *I* have the attitude "As long as my friends and family are okay, the rest of the world can go hang." I'm not a champion chosen by the PTB to help avert the apocalypse (or *an* apocalypse, this being the Jossverse, there's one quarterly). I can even excuse the attitude in Cordelia (prior to her owning the mission in Birthday), Xander, Willow and Gunn.

Now, it's entirely possible to posit that the PTB are evil, or aren't good, at any rate. I mean, this argument has been made many times. What kind of Mysterious Force For Good ("MFFG") chooses one 15yo girl every generation to fight the powers of darkness?

But until we know more about the PTB - if we ever do - we have to go on what we've been told.

I don't know about you, but the idea of humanity's defenders letting the world go hang as long as their sons/lovers/sisters are okay isn't comforting to me.

Being a hero necessitates *sacrifice*, and we've seen all too little sacrifice from the AI crew this year, again excluding Wesley. And Wesley isn't the one who's allegedly atoning for 200 years of murder and mayhem and soulless delight in killing for the sake of watching people die.

Hmm...

You know, that felt really good. I didn't realize I was carrying so much resentment toward Angel and the writers. I think I'm turning in my Minear-keteer ears, because I don't get the feeling that the writers can pull out of this downward spiral.

~victoria

[current mood: disappointed and slightly disgusted]
[current music: Jeremy - Pearl Jam]
[random quote: We're not talking about saving lives. We're talking about saving souls.]

~*~

2002-05-07 - 9:52 a.m.

fandom survey

Snaked from lucidscreamer :

Fandom survey:

1. What was the very first fandom you got involved in: New York Mets.

What? It's a fandom, with its own rules and arcana.

Oh fine. While I was a huge Star Wars and Indiana Jones fan, and the first fanfic I ever *wrote down* [though never finished; this was before I knew there was such a thing as "fanfic"] was for Interview with a Vampire, Homicide: Life on the Street was my first true Internet fandom.

2. What is the most recent fandom to catch your interest: Smallville

3. Fandom you've stayed loyal to the longest: Buffy/Angel. I mean, I still love Homicide, but I drifted away from active fandom a long time ago.

4. Fandom(s) you're most passionate about: X-Men movieverse

5. Fandom(s) you wish you could get into, but can't: X-Files in its heyday

6. Fandoms you're curious about, but never had the chance to get into: Harry Potter, Gilmore Girls.

7. Fandom that's been the most fun to be involved in: Buffy

8. Fandom that's been the least fun to be involved in: Huh. If you mean the fandom that's caused the most agita, XMM. But they're all fun to one degree or another.

9. Fandom you're ashamed to admit you were involved in: N/A

10. Are you looking for a new fandom, or actively avoiding getting sucked into something new: Neither. I follow the sparkage. If there's a spark that catches my interest, I'll be there.

~*~

As an aside, am I the only one who loves that Volkswagen commercial with the little boy on the bike racing his dad in the car? It's so *cute*.

Details of my Chloe/Clark dream from last night are here.

~victoria



[current mood: good]
[current music: Promises in the Dark - Pat Benatar]
[random quote: No one would ever have you again and if taking was gonna get done you'd decide where and when]

~*~

2002-05-06 - 10:55 p.m.

first lines, first impressions

Angel thoughts in the LJ.

Suffice it to say, a big ol' waste of time. Except for the Wes-Lilah scene.

~*~

Thamiris was talking about first lines of stories, and asking which first lines of our own fics we think are good or bad.

So, I figured I'll play. I tend to put more weight on the whole first paragraph, so I generally suck at opening lines. I think my favorite is "The night was moist." from Chasing the Blast, but I can't take credit for it, since it was an Opening Line challenge from Khaki, and she provided the opening line..

Having written about 150 fics, I didn't go through them all, but here are the ones I thought were good, and the ones I thought were bad.

The Good

The first bar brawl I was ever personally involved in happened while I was with Scott. ~from The Best-Laid Plans

I like it because it's unexpected - you wouldn't think Scott of all people would be in a bar brawl, and you'd think Rogue would have been with Logan the first time she was ever in one, so it sets up right from the start that this is a different [at the time] Rogue/Scott relationship.

She flows like water through the world. ~from Like Water, which probably isn't even long enough to qualify as a ficlet, but that was the line that led to the story.

St. John practically vibrates with suppressed excitement as Scott hands out the mail. ~from Mail Call

Why is St. John excited about the mail?

He walked into the place looking for a drink and maybe a woman to take back to the room he was renting. ~from Gilded Cages, Broken Wings

I like it simply because it tells you exactly what Logan was doing and thinking.

He knows it's wrong. ~from He Knows

What's wrong? Who's he? I like that you're not quite sure what's going on until the next paragraph.

This isn't love, Logan tells himself. ~from Kindness Falls Like Rain

Simply because you know he's lying, and when is he going to figure out that it *is* love? And also, some people were scared by that opening line. They thought it might not be a happy story.

Rogue was brushing her teeth when she suddenly doubled over in pain. ~from Keep It Like a Secret

Ooh, starting with action. Something I rarely do.

He calls me Marie, and I have to laugh. ~from Inside Me

I like this because it's bitter and it's also taking a Logan/Rogue fanon convention and twisting it.

It began, as these things always do, once upon a time. ~from A Touch of Frost

I like this because I was recasting a fairy tale, and fairy tales should always begin, "Once upon a time."

She looked at the messy bed, the splintered furniture, clothes strewn about the room. The smell of sex and blood permeated the air. ~from Jim Morrison's Dead

Okay, technically two sentences, but a really punchy opening paragraph, I think. You don't know quite what you've stumbled into here, and I like that.

and of course, my other favorite:

She was trouble. ~from The Soiled Dove

Simply because hardboiled detective stories *always* start like that, and I always wanted to use it.

Chloe knows she has no shot at Clark. ~from From the Outside In

Again, this was the line from whence the story came.

The Bad

Clark stared at the spreadsheet. ~from Caveat Emptor

A terrible opening line for what I think is probably the best thing I'll write in Smallville.

Willow stared at the full moon through the windshield. ~from Not Like Years Ago

Again with the staring. Boring.

Marie stared at the woman sitting across the booth from her. ~from Crossing Canada

Gah. I never realized how much staring went on in my stories.

He could smell them when he walked in. ~from Alter-Eighteen: Chateau Blanc

Oy.

We've moved from staring to smelling...

Rogue couldn't sit still. ~from Alter-Eighteen: The Inescapable X

And on to fidgeting.

Wolverine was bored. from Day of Beauty

Cliched opening line. I'm tempted to excuse it simply because it's a foofy funny fic, but no.

Scott Summers was brooding. ~from Faculty Follies

Again, a comedy, and the next paragraph is pretty funny. But as an opening line, eh.

Aimée was there when Rogue came home for the Memorial Day weekend just after her junior year at Fordham. ~from In Plain Sight

Clunky. Very clunky.

Marie Compson, currently known as Rogue to most of her friends, gathered her books and belongings into her backpack. ~from The Long Hard Road Out of Hell

Salvageable only for the joke of Marie's last name, which no one got. Sigh.

Things change. ~from Things Change

Real imaginative. *snort*

She's sitting in the dark. ~from A Thousand Words

Actually, this story is probably one of my best efforts ever, but that opening line... teengirl angst much?

Heh.

This was an interesting exercise.

I'm definitely better at first paragraphs than punchy first lines.

It's a wonder anyone reads my fic, I sometimes think.

~victoria

[current mood: tired yet amused]
[current music: Angels Wanna Wear My Red Shoes - Elvis Costello]
[random quote: Well, I used to be disgusted but now I try to be amused ...]

~*~

2002-05-06 - 11:27 a.m.

Making sure Rogue Gets Off

Still having the left-right mouse problems.

Grrr...

Called the IT guys.

After an hour and a half, I finally heard back.

They're going to buy me a new mouse.

Gee. Why didn't *I* think of that?

::rolls eyes::

(whee! The IT guy came and gave me a new mouse! I can move again!)

There's no full-length mirror at the parents' house. Just the mirror in the bathroom on the medicine chest, in which, short person that I am, I can only see my head and neck. I've asked them to get me one for the back of the door in my room - one of those cheap ones - nothing fancy.

They haven't gotten it yet, and it's really no big deal.

Except that today, I wore this fancy lacy bra, and the outfit I'm wearing is apparently a little clingy on top. Not so much that I'm feeling self-conscious. At least, not until I looked in the full length mirror here at work...

and realize you can see the lacy outline of my bra *clearly* through the shirt.

Sigh.

I did some writing on the psychokiller fic this morning on the train. Still have to type it in. In thinking it over, I've decided to scrap the omniscient POV and go with mostly a Rogue POV, except, of course, where Rogue isn't around. Then I guess it'll be a Logan POV. Especially as I have scenes planned after Rogue's ... out of commission... when Logan would be taking control of things.

I suppose I could do those from Kitty's POV, but I'm not real comfortable with that.

And of course, the psycho's POV for certain things. I'm not sure if I'm going to include the jailbreak, or just have it show up on the news. That's the kind of planning and detailed thing I suck at writing. If anyone wants to help me out with details on how one goes about breaking out of a maximum security prison (something that *doesn't* involve 30 years of digging and a Rita Hayworth poster *g*), I'm all ears.

I also, last night, managed to get Rogue off before I went to bed.

'Cause that's my mission in life. Or in fic.

To Get Rogue Off.

Since Marvel seems unable or unwilling to do so, either through Remy, Joseph or any other character in any one of their books, male or female. S'okay. Leaves more room for me to play with.

The good thing is, my Logan muse shares this mission, and he's very cranky when Rogue Doesn't Get Off, especially if he's the one sharing the scene with her. It bothers his little [or extra-large, really] male ego when she doesn't come.

I keep trying to explain that you know, first times - not always gonna be perfect. Also, the whole go-all-night thing? Not gonna happen in an AU where he's got no healing factor. He's not 18, you know. *g*

He grumbles and growls and blusters, but then I remind him that I can, with the stroke of a pen, erase him and put Remy or Scott in his place and he becomes a little less argumentative. I used to threaten to kill her, but I think he realizes how much that takes out of me, and that I won't go to that well too often, so he ignores it now.

Why yes, I anthropomorphise my muses. Don't you?

So Babylonian-Rogue is going somewhere, I wrote a fairly detailed sex scene without getting exceptionally explicit, and I have to figure out what comes next.

I know Rogue is going to go home to her father's house and her mother - who rules the roost with an iron hand - is going to make her miserable because her fiancé has moved on in the six weeks it took for Rogue to get picked at the temple.

Am I going to have to include sources and explanations of this stuff? I guess I probably will, so people understand I'm not making this whole sacred whore thing up. And while I'm making up the details, it really was a means of worshiping Ishtar back in the second Babylonian empire.

Psychokiller fic is coalescing in my mind, and I'm just going to write it out of order and stitch it together. That usually doesn't work for me - I prefer to write in order, but I've got scenes that don't follow directly on each others' heels, so I'm going to go with what I've got, and see what the result is.

I've got to totally rewrite the opening scenes with Rogue now because it's going to be her POV instead of pseudo-omniscient, make Jean and Logan the secondary narrators [rather than Scott, because while I'm most comfortable writing Scott, I think it's more sensible to use Jean, since she'll be there for certain events that no one else is].

I feel all productive again. We'll see how long it lasts.

Petting is accepted gratefully, you know. So is encouragement of the non-touching kind. *g*

Why yes, I am that pathetic.

In other news, what kind of whacko is searching for "gay fiddle with navel" and why did that search bring up this diary? I mean, prior to this.

I suppose it's time for another narcoleptic oral sex mention. And a - what was the other set of words? - dyspeptic rhinoplasty?

I'm just waiting for the first "Rogue Gets Off" search now. *snicker*

That's what I want people to remember about me, long after I"ve left fandom. I made sure Rogue got off.

Commentaires?

~victoria

link

[current mood: silly]
[current music: Nights in White Satin - Moody Blues]
[random quote: only short quotes fit in here. grrr....]

~*~

2002-05-05 - 8:10 p.m.

POV is bedeviling me

So I sat down to work on Babylonian!Rogue and promptly fell asleep.

This is bad.

This is avoidance at its finest.

Go here to read the horrific results.

My unconscious should be shot.

I'm far, far too susceptible to popular culture. It invades my dreams to a scary degree. On the other hand, it's better than the umpteenth train/tunnel dream, eh?

Anyhow, I did get Rogue and Logan to do the horizontal mambo last night.

Weird thing.

I was all prepared to have it be all from Rogue's POV, but when the moment of truth arrived, I switched to Logan's POV, which I have a habit of doing for sex scenes.

I'm once again wondering why that is. If it has something to do with the discussion Jenn and I had [briefly] about why slash is often more explicit, more... deeply-felt than het smut is.

Is it that I'm afraid to open myself up, and if I write Rogue's POV of sex, I'm afraid it'll be interpreted as being some twist on my own experience? And of course, I want to avoid having the reader conflate me with the characters? So I without thinking just take the male POV, which I can't be "accused" of having, really, though I've on occasion discussed it with male friends and partners?

Do other writers have this problem, this shying away from writing the female POV of sex?

How do you overcome it?

The other trouble I'm having with POV lately is ... hmm...

I want to try a third person omniscient, but I can't seem to make it work. I end up with that very close third person limited, which I'm pretty good at. It's the POV I'm most comfortable with, and it allows me to include slightly more information in the narrative than the character would know via first person.

With Consumption, I've got a floating third person limited, which means I'm not head-hopping [though I think some people would see it that way], but I'm also not having discrete sections where the narrator changes. I've been using the metaphor of a camera - here's a quick example of the transition from Rogue to Scott as the POV character:

Rogue sighed, trying to get comfortable again. She crossed her legs, leaned her elbows on her knees, and rested her chin on her hands, staring at the parade.

The kids moved around her and she could hear Jubilee's uninterrupted flow of chatter, interspersed with occasional grunts from Logan. She realized she was going to have to make more of an effort to be friendly with these people, because she was losing Scott, and Logan had never been hers to monopolize to begin with.

The scents of turkey and candied sweet potatoes floated through the house, reminding her of childhood Thanksgivings, of apple pie for breakfast and momma's special stuffing in the oven. She looked over at the dining room and saw Scott carrying a tray of glasses. He put the glasses on the sideboard, quirked a grin at her, and headed back into the kitchen.

"What are you smiling about, Slim?"

Jean's voice startled him out of his thoughts.

"It's nice to see Rogue getting comfortable with people," he answered. "She generally doesn't like to get close, you know?"

Jean nodded. "I can imagine."

"Right. Telepathy must not be that different."

So, the "camera," the narrative, follows Scott from the dining room to the kitchen, where we then have a Jean/Scott scene.

So far, I think it works, but I'm not sure.

However, in the psychokiller fic, I definitely wanted to have a third person omniscient, interspersed with some narration from the killer's POV, like in Silence of the Lambs (the book not the movie).

I'd share a snippet, but it's not typed up yet; it's still in my notebook.

So I'm struggling with POV. I've always struggled with it, but it's more apparent to me now, because I'm far more aware of not breaking it, or, if I do break it, it's deliberate - at least, it is after going over and editing and changing things to suit the POV and deciding on occasion where and when I'm going to break it. [You have to know the rules to break 'em, right?]

The other think I'm struggling with, in the case of Babylonian!Rogue, is anachronism.

The sex is the most euphemistic I've written since I started writing sex scenes, because the tone of the story .... I'm trying to avoid having modern-day language come out of the characters' mouths, and also to avoid using it in narration. So no cocks and clits and "Fuck me, baby's".

It's challenging, and I don't know that it's working. That it's erotic at all.

That, coupled with the sudden changes in POV, as well as my being in the dark as to where the plot is going, well, this little AU PWP is suddenly looming as not the quick and easy write I expected.

Sigh.

Story of my life.

If you have any insights to share on any of my troubles, or if you just want to point and laugh, go here.

~victoria

[current mood: frustrated]
[current music: Jump, Jive n Wail - Bryan Setzer]
[random quote: Close your eyes and lie back. This won't hurt a bit.]

~*~

2002-05-04 - 9:24 p.m.

how victoria spends her time...

I feel all accomplished.

I actually answered some email.

Okay, not a huge amount, but about 30 emails got written this afternoon.

Of course, it took about 3 hours.

Let me break it down for you.

I sat down to answer a bunch of email.

I answered one message.

The Derby came on.

I emailed someone the L/R image they asked for.

I began fooling around with icon-making.

Dinner arrived.

I ate.

I made some CJ icons. (see here and here [though I think the text needs to be a different font on this one to make it easier to read.] Ooh, and here is my gratuitous Lionel icon.)

I answered 28 emails.

I got online.

I've spent the last half-hour diddling around reading blogs and such.

Peggy and Te and Jenn have interesting things to say about the coding business.

Like I said in the LJ - this is something that is always going to come up. As long as there's some sort of reasonable compromise, I'm happy.

Let's face it.

In Smallville, the majority of what I get is CLex or Clark or Lex oriented. I'm fairly cognizant of who I think is good and who I think isn't capable of writing a check, let alone a story, so I'm not really worried there.

I'm just not interested in Whitney or Lana or Lexney or Lexana or whatever silly names people have come up with various pairings, though I do like the ChLex and the ChLark and the ChLexark [and have plans for that last, if I ever get a Smallville-spark again, anyway].

But nothing is going to rock me back in Smallville. I'm not incredibly emotionally invested, which could be why my desire to write is so muted. It's a pleasant distraction, not an all-consuming passion.

So while I have liked and enjoyed many stories - finding them hot or touching or hilarious - I'm not going to have that visceral "Oh. My. Fucking. God." reaction too often. I mean, I don't have it that often in L/R, where I really am truly emotionally invested, so the odds of it hitting me in SV are... less.

I'm not interested in Spuffy. Actually, I'm not very interested in Buffy fanfic at all anymore. It annoys me. I'm not quite sure why that is. Something - some spark of joy or hope - is missing.

I'll still eagerly devour L/R, but alas, there's not any coming my way. And my own efforts are strangely stalled.

I think I'm just talking myself out of writing. I don't understand it.

I...

There were times last year when I had to be almost physically removed from my apartment, because I would sit and write for hours - and I'm not exaggerating - *hours* at a time.

Now, it have to *force* myself to sit and write. I hate that I'm not doing it, but I know that it's nothing outside me, it's only *me* getting in my way.

And I haven't yet figured out how to get around myself, or even why I'm in my own way.

It irks me tremendously, and I probably spend way too much time thinking about it.

I mean, I have had the sex scene for Babylonian!Rogue figured out in my head for *days*, but I haven't written it for some reason. Partially because I'm using the "research" excuse, and partly because of this reason that I've not quite figured out.

And I'm the Queen of Navel-Gazing, so you can be sure I've devoted considerable brainpower to the problem.

~*~

Eep...

I forgot I had this open and I went off to read my friends list in LJ.

I guess I'll talk about Victor's baseball game over there.

~victoria

[current mood: lackadaisical]
[current music: Hazy Shade of Winter - Bangles]
[random quote: Baseball been berry, berry good to me.]

~*~

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The painting is "Boreas" by John William Waterhouse. Again, not a muse, but I like her. She suits the color scheme.

The quote is from Sir Philip Sidney.

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