a fool's musings

Fool, said my muse to me, look in thy heart and write...

Warning: Adult Content achromatic unfinished fic graveyard recs journal new stuff recent stuff my back pages January 2004 December 2003 November 2003 October 2003 September 2003 August 2003 July 2003 June 2003 May 2003 April 2003 March 2003 February 2003 January 2003 December 2002 November 2002 October 2002 September 2002 August 2002 July 2002 June 2002 May 2002 April 2002 March 2002 February 2002 January 2002 December 2001 November 2001 the five Ws, or, all about me profile e-mail victoria my livejournal the original P&R comments current mood: "pathological and unbalanced" Items of Interest People LiveJournal folks Baraita bishclone claritylit Jintian Kat Allison Kit Mason metablog mix-tapes Neil Gaiman Nestra Sarah T. Seema Shrift Sundry Mourning zendom Music Walk On - U2 Thunder Road - Bruce Springsteen If I Can't Change Your Mind - Sugar Sick of Myself - Matthew Sweet Town Called Malice - The Jam One - U2 The Space Between - DMB Books Lord of the Rings Catch-22 The Neely Trilogy Absalom! Absalom! Possession: A Romance Foucault's Pendulum Dreamhouse LA Confidential I Capture the Castle Sandman Waking the Moon Shows Angel Buffy the Vampire Slayer (in reruns) Alias West Wing The Simpsons webrings < ? fanfiction ! > < ? writers ! > diaryreviews.diaryland.com NYC Bloggers Comments by Haloscan.com all links, if I haven't screwed up somehow, should open in a new browser window

12.12.02 - 4:23 p.m. "What's in a name?" You know, my employers have some nerve, keeping me busy all day. Hmph. Of course, I did go to lunch with all the other admins and non-VPs on the floor, so that was an hour I was busy but not with work. So Unanon wrote about the name Francis Xavier and got me wondering why certain characters are named what they're named. I mean, some things are so obvious as to be duh-inspiring - Alexander "Lex" Luthor and his little, late brother Julian. Yet the third son, the half-sibling, is named "Lucas" - not an emperor's name (Lucan was, but...) - can it be that Lionel (the patriarch's name) is rearing a child to be his *son* rather than his *heir*? Or take Joe Christmas from Light in August or any other character whose intials are J.C. I think we all get the symbolism there. *g* Sometimes we may see things in names that the writers don't intend - or that are subtle enough that a lot of people won't get them: did JW intend Inara as a sideways reference to Ishtar/Inanna, who had whole temples of sacred prostitutes dedicated to her in ancient Babylon? Why is River named River and not... Ocean? She certainly flows in two directions instead of one. And her brother is Simon. I don't know about you, but I always jump immediately from Simon to Peter, even when it's not intended, and well, Peter = "rock". River and Rock. In writing fanfiction, we don't often get to choose the names of our characters - they come already attached (though I imagine that Rogue has gone through many iterations of fanonical names pre-movie, and it's entirely possible that many comics fans still choose to believe her first name is "unknown" instead of Marie. Same goes for those fans of Wolverine who have not read Origin, although I know James was a popular choice in fanon for him anyway). Making Buffy "Elizabeth Anne" instead of Buffy Anne (which is apparently her real name. What *was* Joyce smoking?) could have some interesting ramifications (Elizabeth I, or Elizabeth Anne Seton, for example). Same for Anne/Lily/Chanterelle. When I was a kid, and trying to write my own Lord of the Rings, I used to (and poor Professor Tolkien would roll in his grave if he knew), start out by making up a language - with a grammar and conjugations and everything - and then write up a little dictionary and then choose names based on words - so I'd have all sorts of poncy Elf names like SapphireStarFlower, but only they'd be in my made up language. Hey, I was 9, leave me alone. I've always been fascinated by names. My sister (about whom more later) took a class in god, I don't remember but it had something to do with graphics and typefaces and she had this big book of typefaces and I used to trace them out on these big sheets of tracing paper, lists and lists of girls' names that I planned on using in all the stories I was going to write. Again, bigtime Mary Sue names, with lots of Ys where there should be Is and such. But I could, and did, occupy myself for hours upon hours that way, and I've never quite lost that little thrill of recognizing a name or a reference in a name in a work of fiction. As for my sister, I was on the phone with her this afternoon, discussing, as most everyone who lives in the NY metro area has at one point or another this week, the possible transit strike. The conversation broadened, and I said, "You know, if you want to see TTT with me on the Saturday after Christmas, that'd be fun." Because she'd said she wanted to see it, but neither her kids nor her husband are particularly interested. There was an awkward pause, and then, "Um, I was thinking of going by myself next week when it opens." Hee! So I said, "S'okay. I'm going to try and see it Wednesday night, since it's playing in my neighborhood. I was planning to see it twice anyway." (And if any of you NYC fans want to drop me a line and see if we can't go together, that'd be cool.) The reason this makes me giggle is that my sister? The least fannish person ever. I mean, my parents? Big Trek fans, fantasy/sci-fi readers and sports fans. Plus my dad likes opera and has other various music fan type interests. My brother is a diehard sports fan and also a collector of Coke memorabilia etc. I, well, yeah... you're here, aren't you? *g* But my sister, the Martha Stewart of the family, isn't particularly fannish, or rather, she never was before. Then she read Harry Potter, and was hooked. She was as excited about the movies as I was. But Lord of the Rings? I *never* expected her to get into it enough that she puts the DVD on when she's alone and then says, "Yeah, it was much better to watch it by myself so I could pay attention" which makes sense, but... Now, to be honest (and somewhat catty), I'm sure Viggo Mortensen, Sean Bean and Orlando Bloom had something to do with this newfound interest in all things hobbity (she's married, she's not dead) because, hello? Have you *seen* them? But she was also caught up in the story and very annoyed that it had no ending in the first movie. Anyhow, she knows I write fic, and she thinks I'm insane. She's also a very very talented artist (you should see the mural she painted on my nephew's bedroom wall, of a dragon fighting a tiger), so I'm going to start hinting around about fanart, and maybe graphics programs. 'Cause you never know. It would be fun to recruit her into semi-fannishness. ~victoria link [current mood: busy] [current music: Knocking on Heaven's Door - G'N'R] [random quote: \"What's in a name? that which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet\" ~Romeo & Juliet,] ~*~ 12.12.02 - 12:25 a.m. More Josh/Donna, which got jossed tonight Here's more of the J/D story. It kinda got Jossed tonight (see the LJ for more details), but that's easily fixed. I just need to finish this story before any more new episodes come out. *g* So here's more - the Josh/Amy dinner conversation, where the nefarious plan comes out. *** So, it was best for everyone when Donna was happy, because then he was happy, and he could devote his time to making everyone else miserable on purpose, instead of doing it accidentally. At least, that was what he told himself later that evening, when he was having dinner with Amy. He had some hope that he and Amy would be getting back together. He thought she might be over the hurt he’d caused her when he got her fired, and he thought he was over the hurt she’d inflicted on him by using their relationship and his position to her own advantage. In fact, he had Donna over at his apartment, stringing up lights and Hawaiian decorations to surprise Amy when they got home after dinner. He wanted to remind her of the good times they’d had together. Unfortunately, he couldn’t seem to stop talking about Donna and Jack. “Can you believe that? He broke up with her because of her roommate’s cat!” “Yeah, Josh. I believe it. I believed it the first forty times you said it, too.” He ignored her. “Admittedly, the cat is an evil cat. It likes to sleep on my chest and--" “When has Donna’s roommate’s cat had the opportunity to sleep on your chest?” Amy interrupted sharply. “Uh. Well, see, there were some times when we’d go out for a drink after work -- the senior staff, I mean -- and, well, I usually only remember Donna’s address when I’m drunk. So I’ve ended up on her couch a time or two.” “I see.” Her voice could have frozen a barbecue pit. “I don’t think you do.” He took a sip of beer. “Oh, I do, Josh. I see right through you.” He raised the bottle to his lips and then moved it away. “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” She just smiled. “I see right through you, and I have a plan.” “A plan?” “A plan.” “I don’t do so well with plans, Amy. Do the words, ‘secret plan to fight inflation’ mean anything to you?” “Yes, that you were even more of an idiot than usual that day. But this is a good plan, because you have to do nothing but carry it out.” “*I* have to carry it out?” “This is what I’m saying, yes. You have to execute the plan flawlessly, and then we can talk about getting back together.” “I thought we were going to talk about getting back together tonight. In fact, I had actually kind of hoped that after dinner we’d be getting together back at my place.” Amy wagged her fork at him. “Not so fast, Josh. In fact, possibly not ever, if I have to sit through another dinner where you do nothing but talk about Donna all night.” “Amy, she’s my friend. And her boyfriend broke up with her. Because of a cat! It’s not even *her cat*.” He listened to himself and then frowned. “That was kind of whiny, wasn’t it?” “Oh, yeah.” “So we’re not getting back together? “Not tonight, and, if you don’t follow the plan, not ever.” He opened his mouth, but she wasn’t finished. “I mean it, Josh. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, and tonight just crystallized everything. There are some things you’re going to have to do before you get to see me naked again.” He slumped in defeat. “Fine. Tell me about this plan.” “I call it the Dating Plan.” He could hear the capital letters. “The Dating Plan?” he asked skeptically. He thought about it for a moment, then, “Oh. Because it’s about you and me dating?” “No. Well, yes, kind of. It’s what you have to do to be allowed to date me again.” “And by dating, you mean seeing you naked, right?” She smirked at him. “Yes, Josh. If you’re lucky.” He put the beer bottle down and leaned back in his chair. "Lemme have it." Amy leaned forward, closing the space he'd opened between them. "You have to go out with Donna." He couldn't be hearing that right. "I don't think I heard you right. Did you say I have to--" "Go out with Donna. Yes." "Amy, she's my *assistant*." "Yes. So you keep reminding me, and everyone else." "Well, she *is*." Amy overrode him. "She's your assistant, which is why you talk about her more than anyone else in your life. Why you spent the first hour of this date -- after which you somehow thought I was going to go home with you and let you see me *naked* -- telling me about her love life!" He held up a hand. "Okay, I'm confused. I'm telling you about Donna's love life -- which makes you think I should *ask her out*?" "Josh, honey, there have been rumors about you and Donna since the day you guys took office the first time. Everyone in town has heard them. And--" "But they're just rumors--" "Sure. I know that. Beautiful, young, blonde assistant with no college degree gets job working the White House. People were bound to talk." He crossed his arms over his chest. He knew that what she was saying was true, but he hated it. Hated it every time someone made the insinuation -- or the out and out accusation -- that the only way Donna could have gotten her job was on her back. "Yeah." "The thing is, Josh, that the talk would have died down, but you spend so much time together. And when you're not together, you're talking about her. And I've seen the way you look at her." "You said it yourself, Amy. She's a beautiful woman. And we spend so much time together because we happen to work in the White House. I don't know if you know this, but it's kind of a high stress job." She cut him off. "Josh, I understand. Just -- go on a date or two with her. Kiss her. Grab her ass. Get it out of your system. Because I'm not going to play second fiddle to her any more, okay?" "So," he said slowly, because he was still processing this bizarre plan, "in order to date you again, I have to date Donna first." "Yes." "In order to date you again," he repeated. "I have to go out with another woman." "Yes." He shook his head. "That makes... absolutely no sense whatsoever." "Sure it does." "No, it doesn't. I think it's even worse than the secret plan to fight inflation. This is going to cause nothing but trouble." "I don't think so. And really, if you want to be with me, you're going to have to do it. So you better get started." She rose. "Good night, Josh. And good luck." She walked away. "Amy. Amy!" he called after her, but she didn't turn back. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed quickly. "Donna? It's me. Yeah. Don't go anywhere. We need to talk." *** And that's where it currently stands. This was nowhere near as funny on paper as it originally was in my head. I'm feeling off my game. I think because I was jossed. That's never happened to me *while* writing a story. Also, because Josh has to really think he wants Amy before he realizes he loves Donna. Or he has to be in denial. Or he has to be afraid that Donna doesn't want him or is over him or something. I'm working on it. And now, I think, I must go to bed before my nose starts bleeding again. victoria link [current mood: jossed] [current music: Ooh child things are gonna get easier ooh child things will get brighter] [random quote: someday we'll get it together and we'll get it all done, some day when your head is much lighter] ~*~ 12.11.02 - 2:12 p.m. I don't get it, and moreover, I don't want to Am I the only one who just doesn't get this whole "slashing the slashers" thing? It just... it's ishy. Even with their permission, and all in good fun, it's ishy. It makes my stomach queasy and my skin itchy. And not in a good way. And I say this as someone who has just appeared in a metafic fondling Obi-Wan's (actual, not metaphorical) lightsaber. I just don't... get it. And really, I'm thinking I don't want to. *** In other news, am slowly catching up on email and comments. May even be almost out of the hole sometime around, oh, April or May of next year. I'm writing the Josh/Amy dinner scene, but it's not going as easily as I thought it would. I think because I'm trying hard not to make Amy a stark raving lunatic or a supreme bitca. I have to reach back to those three or so episodes last season where I actually liked her. This is hard. Meanwhile, the feedback for Homecoming has been fabulous and I thank you all. Should I be scared that I'm getting more FB for a fic I wrote in the LJ update window than I have for the Snapefic, over which I labored for weeks? Or is it just that I'm known in SV and not in HP? Yeah, I think that's the ticket. Otherwise, it's too depressing to contemplate. I mean, I have gotten feedback for Thirst - lovely feedback and some excellent, ego-boosting comments over in the LJ, and it's likely that cuddlefic is going to get more feedback, regardless. I mean, boys! Snuggling! and evil gingerbread men! That, my friends, is comedy gold. Evil Gingerbread Men! Thank you, Tick! And now, back to the dating plan. Poor Amy. I could almost feel sorry for her. Almost. ::gleeful cackle:: ~victoria link [current mood: okay] [current music: Rambling Man] [random quote: \"Cunning and deceit will every time serve a man better than force.\" Machiavelli, The Prince] ~*~ 12.10.02 - 11:09 p.m. Homecoming Added Homecoming to the site tonight. And I swear, that one day soon I will answer all my feedback that I've let go, because I am a bad person and the epitome of slack. Now I'm just contemplating various fandoms and DD's Fast, Loose and Lovely Title Challenge. Because some of these are perfect for Smallville, but others scream Logan/Rogue to me (Never Love Me. The Lady Has a Scar. The Virgin and the Barfly), or XMM (ESP Orgy) and there may even be some HP or Buffy in there. We'll see. ~victoria link [current mood: sleepy] [current music: That'll Be the Day - Buddy Holly] [random quote: You say you're gonna leave me you know it's a lie 'cause that'll be the day that I die] ~*~ 12.10.02 - 5:45 p.m. Fast & Loose Title Challenge This is a rare duplicate post from the LJ, but I promised DD I'd pimp her site out, so... Check out The Fast & Loose Title Challenge: Write a fic - any pairing, any fandom - based on pulp fiction titles. And check out those titles graphics... all the pinups and hot, naughty babes you could desire. For you Smallvillians, there's "God Hates Kansas" and "The Third Sex," among many other titles that just scream for stories. So come on. Join in. Everybody's doing it.* DD has set up an lj for it: FandomNation as well as the website - FandomNation, and she needs our help. Especially, she needs the help of all the SDB people (at least, those of you I haven't alienated completely as of yet) and the HP people and the people in all those fandoms neither of us have anything to do with, really, and know nothing about. So write a fic, share a link. It's good karma, and just good sense. And since I've posted and uploaded "Homecoming", I'm going home now. *well, if everybody includes me, and it may as well, right? *g* ~victoria link [current mood: caffeinated] [current music: Under Pressure - Queen & Bowie] [random quote: Climbed over mountains Traveled the sea Cast out of heaven Cast down on my knees I've lain with the devil Cursed God above] ~*~ 12.10.02 - 12:54 p.m. For he is Dan, Doer of Wonderful Deeds Homecoming, a CLexy cuddlefic, is up in the LJ. I spent my morning writing that and then reading Naked Quidditch Match by Anya, which is one of the funniest things EVER and even though it's a WIP, you should run right now and go read. Because... FUNNY. Yes. So they're emailing around here at BEMC, trying to find out who will be stranded in some godawful place without the ability to get to work if and when the transit strike happens. I can walk to work. It ain't gonna be fun, considering the cold we've been having (wind chill of zero? Not loving that), but I can do it. Sigh. Stupid mayor. They're going to raise fares and cut service. I hate money sometimes, and all the shit not having it puts us through. In other, less ishy news, I watched "Draft Day" last night, and I get the impression I'm supposed to be on Casey's side for the whole Dan Debacle, but I'm not. Because Casey is an asshole. Seriously. Dan is wrong, and well, wrong, but he apologizes and asks Casey to the Seder and what does Casey do? Blows him off for the video store guy. Casey's ego is... grrr.... Was talking with Caro Baker and TaraLJC about it last night, and while I guess Casey is more 'anchor-y' with his WASPy face, I heart Dan and have never gotten the impression that he was less talented or knowledgeable than Casey, just less... egotistical. Or rather, less good at pushing himself forward and getting what he wants for himself. Danny will stand at Casey's back and push him forward forever, and do nothing for himself. Sigh. For he is Dan, Doer of Wonderful Deeds. I'm getting encouraging feelings about the Josh/Donna, btw. Have to write up the Amy/Josh scene where she proposes the Dating Plan. I have it all in my head, I think. And Jenny-O has a lovely little River fic named Seeing Eyes that makes me want to 1. see this onscreen, and 2. pull out my own River ramblings and try to work them into a Mal/Kaylee story, somehow. But Firefly doesn't lend itself to long romantic type stories, to me. The stories I'm interested in are short character pieces where one or two characters learn something about themselves or each other, or I suppose, casefile type stories, where stuff happens and adventuring and stealing is done. Oh, and speaking of River fic, Juliette Torres has a wonderful, creepy Simon/River fic called The Secret Chord up. Inspired by Hallelujah. How can you go wrong with that? But it's definitely not for the faint of heart. After you've read it, read her entry on unreliable narrators, which is a topic I was talking about last week. So many good and interesting things going on, and a small germ of an idea for Faramir/Eowyn has started niggling around in my head. I'll have to dig out RotK and reread their sections (such a hardship for this Faramir-loving fangirl). So consider me a little cold, but happy. Unless the transit workers go on strike. Then I'll be cold and grumpy. ~victoria link [current mood: cold, but good] [current music: Junglelove - Steve Miller Band] [random quote: you probably wouldn't remember, I probably couldn't forget... everything's better when wet...] ~*~ 12.09.02 - 5:03 p.m. honing my banter-writing skills I know I'm pretty much the only one who cares, but here's more of the rough draft of the Josh/Donna Dating Plan fic. *** Donna pushed her hair behind her ear, took a deep breath, and walked into the bullpen. She put her bag down on her desk and was shrugging off her coat when Josh walked in. "So, how'd it go?" She pursed her lips and followed him into his office. "You have staff in five minutes. McCrory is coming over to talk about Social Security at nine, and you have a meeting with Lewin up on the Hill at eleven." "That bad, huh?" "What?" He put a hand on her shoulder as they walked toward the meeting room. "The date. The date with Jack." "It wasn't that bad. I'll have you know it wasn't bad at all, Josh. It was--" "A disaster?" he asked. "Go." She shooed him into the meeting room. "Be brilliant. And be back at nine for your meeting." When she got back to her desk, she got down to work, putting last night out of her mind. It was all Josh wanted to talk about when the meeting ended, though, and she found herself telling him the story, even though she knew he'd make fun of her mercilessly when she was done. "Jack is allergic to cats?" he said when she was done, leaning back in his chair and playing with a pencil. Just thinking about it made her cringe. She shrunk back in the chair and nodded. "Violently allergic." "Jack is violently allergic to cats." "This is what I'm telling you, yes." "He broke up with your because he's allergic to your roommate's cat." "In words of one syllable, yes, Josh." "Wow." "So. The cat's a deal-breaker?" "Pretty much. He said he liked me a lot, but the cat had to go. And since it's not my cat..." "I'll go talk to him." "Josh--" "It's all right. That cat is evil. We all agree on this." "We do not all agree on this. Caesar is a lovely cat--" "That Jack is violently allergic to." "Yes." "Okay, then." She sighed. He was silent for a few moments, and she thought she was going to get away without him making a big deal over it, when he stood and said, "I can fix this." She jumped out of the chair. "I don't think that's a good idea." "What do you mean? I got him to ask you out, didn't I? I'll get him to take you back." He was out the door and walking down the hallway by the time she got over her shock enough to follow. "Josh, wait." "Why? The sooner I get down there, the sooner you can be back in his arms again." He paused. "I did not just say that, did I?" "You did, and I wish you wouldn't." He patted her arm in that condescending way he had, which she hated. There were many things about Josh Lyman that she, well, loved (not like *that*, of course. He was her boss, after all, and she didn't think of think of him that way. Much. Anymore.), but this was not one of them. Unfortunately, while she was standing there thinking about whether or not she loved him, and what she loved about him, he slipped away from her and was already gone when she called out after him. "Dammit, Josh," she muttered, walking back to her desk. "You're only going to make it worse." *** Josh found Jack in his office. He knocked, and stuck his head around the half-open door. "Hey." "Hey, Josh. What can I do for you?" Jack said from behind a pile of reports. Josh paced the small office in silence for a moment. Finally, he said, "So. You broke up with Donna, huh?" Jack blinked, and his eyebrows rose almost to his hairline in surprise. "She told you?" "She didn't want to. I kind of made her. I mean, she'd have told me anyway, eventually, but I charmed it out of her. Because I am a charmer, you know." Jack said nothing. "So, the cat's a deal-breaker?" Jack looked up. "She *told* you?" "Of course, she told me. I'm a charmer. Plus, I'm her boss." "I don't ever remember telling my boss about my dates." "What?" Josh wandered aimlessly in the little office. "The thing is, I know that cat is evil. I understand. Whenever I sleep over at Donna's--" "Whoa. Hold on there. You sleep over at Donna's? I thought you said there was nothing going on --" "There *is* nothing going on, Jack. It's just, sometimes--" Josh ran a hand through his hair. "I've slept on the couch, and I swear that cat growls at me. It doesn't like me. Which doesn't make any sense. Because I am eminently likable." Jack looked at him as if he'd grown a second head. "Look, I'm sure Donna really appreciates her boss getting involved in her love life--" "Hey, I'm her friend as well as her boss. And she deserves to be happy. You were making her happy. When she's happy, my office runs smoothly, and I'm happy. Understand?" "Yes. But I've been through this before and I'm not going through it again." "So you won't take back the break up?" "No." "Really?" "Really." Josh opened his mouth and then closed it. Jack had obviously made his decision, and not even the Lyman charm worked on him. "Okay." "Okay." "I'll tell her you're sorry." "Yeah." "Okay," Josh repeated. He took his time getting back to his office, because he hated having to deliver bad news to Donna. He hated seeing the "You just killed my hamster" face she would give him. She wouldn't even mean to do it, but she would, and then his stomach would flipflop and his chest would get tight and he'd have to stand against the wall to ease the tension. Not that standing against the wall ever worked, but he liked to think that the doctor was right and someday it would help. He took the long way back to his office, and wound up getting pulled into a meeting with Leo, and the day proceeded apace. He made it back to his office briefly, and he knew she knew by the look on his face that he'd failed, but then he was leaving for the Hill. He was busy all day, which was good. It meant he didn't have to think too much about the disappointment on Donna's face since he hadn't been able to fix things for her. Because no matter what, Josh liked to believe that he could fix anything for Donna, and when he couldn't it usually precipitated a few nights of insomnia, which made him cranky. So, it was best for everyone when Donna was happy, because then he was happy, and he could devote his time to making everyone else miserable on purpose, instead of doing it unwittingly. *** I hope I have the banter right. because the banter is key with Josh/Donna, and with romantic comedy, and without the banter, there may as well be no story, you know? I want to go home and watch more SportsNight and hone my banter-writing skills. And maybe have something good for dinner. Hmm... ~victoria link [current mood: tired] [current music: Gloria - THEM] [random quote: \"They took out his soul to give him more stomach.\" Robert, on Frank. Everybody Loves Raymond] ~*~ 12.09.02 - 1:30 p.m. I believe in The Why Te asks the question, what makes you meta? My answer, the short version, is, somebody asks a question and I answer. Seriously, that can be it. It doesn't even have to be a "meta" question, like this one. It can be a question in a beta reading of one of my stories, or in feedback, or in a survey or just something someone says, like, "Why is such-and-such fanon?" Or anything like that really. I like to talk. I like to talk about talking, and I like to debate/argue/whatever you want to call it. I will argue on whether or not the sky is really blue, you know? So the minute someone says something that sparks me, I'm off and away. I think part of it is why I'm a writer, because I want to answer questions and raise new ones. Part of it is my curiosity, which did ever get the better of me, leading me to open my mouth in many situations where it would have been more comfortable for all concerned if I'd just kept it shut. Some of it is me wanting to work out *how* and, more importantly, WHY I do the things I do, in writing and outside of it, and why other people do what they do. Because I need the "why." Without it, I am cast adrift. I could never EVER be a true nihilist or existentialist (the way I understand the terms, and I could be wrong - I dozed through a good deal of the one philosophy course I took, and zoned out whenever existentialism was mentioned in my lit classes). Because I believe in cause and effect. I believe in The Why. And I believe that things - even random-seeming things, have patterns and meaning. Not *everything*, but most things. And maybe that's just because I have the kind of brain that likes seeing patterns and making connections, even where none exist (and I know I do this, especially in pop culture, where I've got Mary from "Thunder Road" turning into the Mary of "Crazy Mary" because she never got in the car, etc.), or maybe because in a lot of things people do, there *are* patterns, because that's the kind of brains we *all* have. That's why, I think Sarah T. pointed out, the video in "The Ring" is so creepy at first - it seems so random and unrelated. It's why sociopathy seems so scary, and why Big Bad No-Shades of Grey evil sometimes scares me more than empathetic and seductive evil. Because it's not human and cannot be understood in human terms. Chaos, true chaos, is anti-human and antithetical to the human mind. Which is why I find Chaos Theory (what little I know of it) both attractive and amusing, because it attempts to impose some kind of crazy deep down order onto Chaos, which by definition is anti-order. Hmm... maybe I should have been heroic couplets on that poetry quiz. That was my second option. Chaos is the true Other. The enemy whose motives cannot be fathomed, who's doing it all for some reason we never learn - I find those kinds of endings the absolutely least satisfying. I know people talk about leaving loose ends and how realistic that is, and 'we may never know' and grrr.... I hate that. I always need to know. I need the why. Because without it, nothing makes sense. In fiction, especially. Life doesn't make sense, though we try to force it to fit a framework where it does or it may or it can; at least I do. Otherwise, I truly would go mad. But fiction ought to make sense, because it's communication, and if it only makes sense to you-the-author, you've failed. Which brings me to Te's other point in that post - the writing of smut - and the discussion last week of fantasy v. storytelling and how even - maybe most *especially* the sex in a story MUST follow from the characterization, and must flow naturally, because if it doesn't, it may as well be Any Two Bodies, and who really wants to read that? You can see by past entries, that I'm often trying to "find the why". It's a theme of this diary, along with the ever present, "It's the Characters, Stupid" and Getting Rogue Off. In other news, have done some catching up on email, which makes me feel productive and stuff. Whew. Must go find lunch now. Lewis: See, the question we gotta ask is "Why?" Because if we get the why, it's gonna give us the who. Felton: I never closed an investigation through motive. Physical evidence. Witnesses. Confessions. Figure out how, it'll tell ya who. Homicide: Life on the Street ~victoria link [current mood: hungry] [current music: Long Live Rock - The Who] [random quote: Except for the point, the still point, there would be no dance, and there is only the dance. ~TS Eliot] ~*~ 12.09.02 - 12:21 a.m. Babies! Babies! Diana had twins this morning. Mother and babies are doing well, but those kids were huge honkin' babies! Both were about seven and a half pounds. Good lord! Imagine carrying that around with you for a month. ::shakes head:: i'm so happy for them, *and* I'm going to be godmother to the little girl, so yay! In other news, Leslie and I managed to find each other this afternoon for brunch. See, yesterday, she was running late, but I didn't get the message until I'd already waited half an hour and then gone home. Because my cellphone sucks like that. So I left the place at 11:02 and she says she showed up to put her name in for a table at 11:05, so we just missed each other. But this afternoon, I had my big pancakes with bananas and pecans, and she had whatever it was she had - some kind of funky apple chicken sausage, with grits and eggs. Then I came home and crapped out. Because this cold is kicking my ass. I don't get it. I really, really don't. But a week later, it's still making me fucking miserable, with the stuffy nose and the Well of PhlegmTM and then the bloody nose and the aching back and the sinus headaches and the grrr... At least it hasn't settled in my chest, yet. That's the one thing I'm very grateful for. Because once it does that, it'll dog me all winter as bronchitis, which sucks 32 flavors of ass. Anyhow, knock wood that that doesn't happen, and I just get rid of the cold and begin functioning like a normal person again. ... Hey! I heard that! *g* Anyhow, I updated the site tonight, adding Thirst, which is the Snapefic I've babbled on about so often. Anybody know where I can send it to be archived? I suppose I'll try Fiction Alley, but I'm not joining any lists, I just want to get it out to people who would actually be interested in reading a gen Snapefic. I haven't felt much like writing - or reading - at all lately. I think it's being sick and my hibernating instincts kicking in. Well, that and my actually having stuff to do and not being able to sit in front of the computer all night. I have to say though, that watching Sorkin tear apart Dana and Casey for no good reason whatsoever and then do the same to Natalie and Jeremy... Amy is definitely suggesting the Dating Plan to Josh, and goddamn if it isn't going to blow up in her face. ::nods:: It couldn't happen to a nicer person. Plus, the Giants beat the Redskins today. That was good, even though I slept through it. Happy birthday to little Mark and Anne! Welcome to the world. ~victoria link [current mood: sick and sleepy] [current music: silence] [random quote: Have a heart... Do you have a soul? Do you have a liver? Do you have any functioning organs whatsoever? Come on!] ~*~ previous - next DiaryLand Disclaimer: Reading this diary is not required by law. If you do not like or agree with the contents herein, or find them to be offensive on more than one occasion, please go elsewhere and don't come back. Management is not responsible for any adverse reactions to content within. The painting is "Boreas" by John William Waterhouse. Again, not a muse, but I like her. She suits the color scheme. The quote is from Sir Philip Sidney. This site is best viewed with IE4+ | 1024x768 | true color | verdana | tables