a fool's musings

Boreas by Waterhouse
Fool, said my muse to me,
look in thy heart and write...

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the five Ws, or, all about me

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"pathological and unbalanced"

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    Music
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07.11.03 - 3:12 p.m.

"workmanlike" "predictably second-tier" ::coughhackcough::

This is just an attempt to keep these comments in one place.

On Wednesday I wrote a big self-indugent, wanktastic entry about 'my place in fandom', and other people commented, and I commented on their comments and... well, you know I like to keep stuff I've said in other people's comments...

So yeah, this is my original post.

Ingrid wrote about her similar experiences here, and she says it better than I did.

Then Seema talked about *her* fannish experience, and I responded thusly:

I'm just... I'm in a weird space. Ingrid pretty much encapsulated a lot of what frustrates me about my experience in fandom - the fact that I'll say something, and two days later, everyone will be talking about it as if it were a) someone else's idea or b) sui generis.

I know all about hive mind etc., but sometimes I also know I'm the one who started a discussion or came up with an insight and to see it attributed to someone else or just as something 'someone I can't remember' said really chaps my ass.

But it's kind of childish to go around saying, "Hey, *I'm* the one who mentioned that!" (though yes, I have done so on occasion, to my shame.)

Part of it is I have a huge ego (as I think most of us do) and for the most part, any arrogance I have about my writing is well-founded and can be backed up by my work. But apparently, *something* is missing, because I just don't garner the attention that other (sometimes less-skilled) writers do. And that shits me.

Part of the problem may be I have a prickly personality, and also that I'm not shy about bitching when I don't feel appreciated, which of course, turns lots of people off.

I know that lots of people know who I am, by virtue of this LJ(and the diary). And that's really cool. I love being a part of Fandom-at-Large, having meta discussions and writing discussions and being silly and all that crap.

But sometimes I get annoyed that I'm more known for that kind of meta thing than for the fiction I write.

And of course, the other thing that alternately amuses and annoys me is how whenever I write in a new fandom (and I do, a lot. *snerk*), someone will send feedback as if it's the first story I ever wrote, and "look at the cute newbie who knows how to spell. Keep it up someday and you'll be as good as me" and it's from someone I can write rings around.

Which sounds really arrogant and I'm tempted to delete that part of this comment, but I won't.

Does that clear up some of *why* I sometimes feel the way I feel?

And then Sam wrote about his fannish experience and said this:
Fandom's really...not political, that's not the word I'm looking for, but um...socially complex?

To which I replied:
Oh, I'd say it *can* be political, but then, men and women approach the whole thing differently.

But yes, socially complex, and also one's susceptibility to the opinions/influence of others plays a large role in one's relationship to fandom at large, I think.

On a really good day, I couldn't give a goddamn about what most people think, because I know I'm a better writer than 95% of them.

On a good day, that percentage falls to about 90%.

On a bad day, it's not that I still don't think I'm better than that 90%, it's that *nobody else does*.

It's a weird thing.

As I said to someone else, it's not the specific "Oh, X story didn't get recced/feedback/etc." Because I do get feedback and I do occasionally get recommended.

It's more, "I have this whole body of work and it's good and I'm *still* never going to be as feted as a flavor of the month."

And that really grates my cheese sometimes. Along with the people who send me feedback that reads as if they think I've never written a word before and it's all "good newbie ::pat pat::".

For the most part, I believe we all make our fandom experiences what they are, but other people do play a role, and well, Sartre wasn't wrong, you know?

***

So yes, I mostly repeated myself in an effort to refine and articulate what it is I'm talking about. Part of it, yes, is egoism, and the frustration born out of not getting the ego strokes that others do. But obviously, I'm not the only person who has this experience. Let's face it - you can only have so many chiefs -- some of us have to be Indians. And sometimes those of us who don't get to be chiefs bitch about it, or try to figure out the whys and wherefores of how we get slotted into whatever our place winds up being.

As you can see, I have no shortage of self-confidence in some ways, and yet in others I'm charmingly insecure. My occasional fear that any writing talent I have will disappear if I think about it too much or look at it too closely, or try to actively improve...

No, because I do try to improve, but I still can't bring myself to be one of those more organized types who outline and think about theme and structure etc. on the first go-round.

Which is a whole different discussion Seema and I have been having. Can you see why we're getting married? We complement each other. *g*

~victoria



link

[current mood: self-indulgent]
[current music: Working for the Weekend - Loverboy (I shit you not)]
[random quote: \"I'm an extraordinary bitching pain in the ass.\" Beau Felton, HLotS]

~*~

07.10.03 - 1:54 p.m.

Pearl Jam, MS, Remus, Neil Gaiman, linkage, recs

Gah. So tired.

Saw Pearl Jam at MSG last night. They rocked *out*.

Yeah, baby.

*G*

In more serious news, Here's some information on a possible new MS diagnosis technique - via bloodwork.

Do you know how much quicker and easier that would make diagnosing the disease? No more waiting for two separate incidents; no more spinal taps and irritatingly vague MRIs. People could get on medication at once, which currently appears to be the best thing to do.

In less serious news, I started reading this "Hermione falls back in time to the MWPP era" fic and not only did it have most of the typical cliches of such fic, it had one thing that made me laugh and cringe and hit "back" all at the same time: Remus/Petunia.

I kid you not.

What the *fuck* was she smoking?

Sorry. My ability to suspend disbelief (which is pretty flexible in most cases) barely stretches to encompass "Remus is straight" stories (in fact, he's one of the few characters who pings me as unalterably gay, much like Frank Pembleton pings me as completely heterosexual), but if you work it right, I might be conned into it for the length of a fic.

But not with Petunia.

Good god. Have you *no* sense of decency?

Anyhow, I just sent off this month's set of recs for Bright Shiny Objects and realized that I never told you all that it has moved. So yes, new URL for BSO. Update your bookmarks. I'm not sure when the latest set of recs will be up, but it will be sometime this month, afaik.

Which reminds me - I never pimped about the latest Zendom article, on Rec Sites You Can Trust. Why yes, Unfit is included, but that's because it's actually, you know, trustworthy. I like to think I do a decent job at reccing stuff, and am honest about when something does or doesn't work for me and *why*.

Which reminds me, did I mention my new linking policy, for when I finally finish the redesign of Muse's Fool?

Archives only.

Yes, it's reductive and unfriendly, but meh. I can't keep up with making sure people haven't moved, etc. I'm also getting rid of all banners, buttons and graphics. Bleh.

Text-linkage is the way to go.

Also, this just in: Neil Gaiman writes Narnia slash.

I ::heart:: Neil Gaiman.

And I may attempt to go to that Wolves in the Walls signing downtown. Huh. Maybe I should try to take Alyssa to *that*, depending on what time it is, etc. Far more child-friendly. *g*

In work-related news, do they not understand that I have no control over UPS and I cannot make the packages come or go any faster?

Lunch now.

~victoria



link

[current mood: sleepy]
[current music: I know it's only rock'n'roll but I like it - Rolling Stones]
[random quote: Outside of a dog, a book is Man’s best friend. And inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. ~Groucho Marx]

~*~

07.08.03 - 5:29 p.m.

Homer'n'Norm

Whee!

Someone on diaryland is using one of my favoritest ever Simpsons quotes in their banner:

"I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming." From the John Waters episode.

Between Homer and Norm (I still need to make me a Norm icon. Maybe I should make one with Homer and Norm on it! Both my role models in *one place*. Yes, I aspire to fat, drunken failing. I don't aim high, do I?), you've covered my life's philosophy.

Flannel is up on the site, and I've got another post-OotP spoilery drabble thinger up in the LJ: The Fall Is What Kills You.

So I can't say no writing got done today, but I didn't work on Five Things and I didn't work on rom com, so I feel all unproductive. I didn't even recode any stories.

I need foof! I need fluff! I need smut! I can't keep writing these angsty deathfics.

Won't somebody think of the werepoodles?*

*Am attempting to spread this through fandom, though I don't think most people will get it, or want it if they do get it

~victoria



link

[current mood: amused]
[current music: Let My Love Open the Door - Pete Townshend]
[random quote: “It’s all about the he-said/she-said bullshit” – “Break Stuff” – Limp Bizkit]

~*~

07.07.03 - 10:23 a.m.

strong like an ox

Ah, the joy of BEMC.

We're getting an intern this afternoon. I found out at 1pm on Thursday, just before I left for the holiday.

I now have to clean out the cube next to me, arrange for phone service to be hooked up, a computer...

Nobody told me anything about this. What's even scarier is that both MW and G are out (my two main bosses) and neither of them told MT, who's nominally in charge.

Sigh.

So I will be schlepping stuff around again. Good thing I'm strong like an ox. (Yes, someone once said this about me. Would I lie about that? It's also like how I've often been described as "sturdy." Gee, thanks. Can you see why I identified much more strongly with Trixie Belden than Nancy Drew?).

In other news, posted "Flannel" to lists and have already gotten FB, surprise, surprise. I guess sometimes a sweet first-time PWP hits the spot.

For something a lot snifflier, go read this: Legacy by Moony.

*sniff*

Spoilery for OotP, of course, so don't click if you haven't read.

I'm currently still wrestling with the Five Things fic, and also a romantic comedy based in MWPP's seventh year. If I can make it work. The premise is a little far-fetched. I mean, even farther than believing that Sirius and Remus end up together, which, according to my mother, is quite far-fetched.

But I think I can make it work. At least, Bethy liked the bits I showed her last night, and I know she'd tell me if it sucked.

I see from my referral stats that the LotR sex comedy has been discovered by people who'd never seen it before. *g* It's nice to know a good (bad) stewardess joke is always appreciated.

I wish LJ gave referral stats, though I have to say, having it not-indexed with Google means that most referrals probably come from other people's friends pages.

More importantly, I wish my ISP gave referral stats, because I don't have counters on all my stories (that seems a little much, especially considering how many stories I have) and while I get hits, I don't get referrals. Which sucks. Because I like to know when you all are searching for Simpsons porn, as opposed to cherry angiomas. Both of which have turned up this diary in the past twenty-four hours.

~victoria



link

[current mood: irritated]
[current music: dream on - aerosmith]
[random quote: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, bliddy blah, I'm so stuffy, gimme a scone.]

~*~

07.05.03 - 2:44 p.m.

July 4th and such

What can I say about yesterday? It was a lot of fun. We always have a good time when we're together. I know, some people don't believe it, don't understand that it's even possible, but my family, for all its faults and minor dysfunctions, actually love each other and, more importantly when we're rubbing up against each other (metaphorically speaking) for hours at a time, we like each other.

We had fun, laughs, good times...

Why am I quoting "Sweet Charity"?

Anyway, there's really not much to say that would be interesting to anyone who wasn't there. I don't have the skill to make a scene like the one where we sat around the table, drinking coffee and eating watermelon, discussing gay sex and tai chi as funny as it was, and keep it within the realm of believability. It did happen, though.

I will say that a new religion sprung from the tai chi discussion (though I'm sure there are some gay people - as well as straight people - who'd join up ASAP) - due to a mispronunciation of Buddhism, we now have Bootyism. I believe Beyonce and J. Lo are among those worshipped. *snicker*

We came home and then five minutes later my sister and her family showed up, because you can see the town fireworks from my parents' screened-in back porch.

It was a lovely night.

Can you tell I really have no clue what to say on the non-fannish/non-writing entries?

Speaking of writing/fannish things, Flannel, a short bit of Sirius/Remus MWPP-era porn I wrote for Pru. I like it, anyway.

~victoria



link

[current mood: lazy]
[current music: Forever Young - Rod Stewart]
[random quote: Be courageous and be brave And in my heart you'll always stay Forever young forever young]

~*~

07.03.03 - 1:14 p.m.

a tuning fork struck upon a star

Gone Gently, another post-OotP fic (well, no, actually, it takes place toward the end of OotP, but I like to think it fills in a missing bit), is up on the site. Spoileriffic, of course, so don't click if you haven't finished the book.

And just because I can't go a day without posting some snip of fic, here's a bit from the Five Things fic, that I like simply because I cribbed one of my favorite phrases from The Great Gatsby. I'm also happy I managed a punny professorial name:

In November, he and Sirius wound up partnered on a project in Ancient Runes, a subject for which Sirius had no patience, but which appealed to Remus. Runes were both elegant and useful. He tried to explain that to Sirius one afternoon while they were sequestered in a deserted carrel in the quietest section of the library, and found himself flushing under Sirius's intense regard. He stopped speaking, mouth dry, breath stolen by the odd, hungry gleam in Sirius's eyes.

"No, no, keep going," Sirius said when it became clear that Remus wasn't going to say any more. "It's cool when you get excited about things and start explaining them." Remus felt his blush deepen as Sirius continued, "You should be a teacher or something. I mean it. You're so much better than Professor Rosetta at explaining all this," he gestured toward the scattered rolls of parchment, covered with runes and notes.

Remus shrugged, unable to find his voice to respond. Sirius grabbed his shoulders and pulled him close, and he found himself only inches away from the boy he'd been dreaming about for the past four months. Sirius's breath slid over his lips, warm and sweet, and if he shifted forward, he'd be kissing him. He'd be kissing Sirius, fulfilling the fantasy that had haunted him since their week together at Peter's.

His body tensed and he prepared to cross that infinitesimal space between his mouth and Sirius's. Sirius held his gaze, eyes dark with some unfathomable emotion, fingers tightening on Remus's shoulders. And Remus realized that if he did this now, if he kissed this boy, everything he'd worked so hard to achieve -- the easy friendships, the semblance of normality he wore like a mask -- would come crashing down around him, beginning with the horror he imagined he'd see reflected in Sirius's eyes.

He jerked away. "I, I can't--"

***

Here's the quote, from the best literary kiss of all time, imho:

Out of the corner of his eye Gatsby saw that the blocks of the sidewalks really formed a ladder and mounted to a secret place above the trees -- he could climb to it, if he climbed alone, and once there he could suck on the pap of life, gulp down the incomparable milk of wonder. His heart beat faster and faster as Daisy's white face came up to his own. He knew that when he kissed this girl, and forever wed his unutterable visions to her perishable breath, his mind would never romp again like the mind of God. So he waited, listening for a moment longer to the tuning-fork that had been struck upon a star. Then he kissed her.

~F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

*sigh*

I'd like to write a kiss like that once. Of course, Daisy Buchanan is in no way worth the beauty of the language in that passage, but still...

Gatsby is the Great American Novel if there ever was one.

And since I wanted to use this quote, but it's too long for the 'random quotes' section:
“Finding love is like solving the perfect crime. You look at every shred of evidence; you talk to every witness; follow up every lead; but more often than not, what wins in the end is pure dumb luck. And you my friend, are just not lucky.” Frank Pembleton, Homicide: Life on the Street

It's part of the Eskimo conversation. Which I still need a transcript of.

~victoria



link

[current mood: romantic]
[current music: Space Oddity - David Bowie]
[random quote: Drusilla: Your face is a poem. I can read it. Xander: Really? It doesn't say 'spare me' by any chance?]

~*~

07.02.03 - 3:12 p.m.

Linger on, your pale blue eyes

Gratuitous lyrics post... this is the song that's powering my MWPP-era fic thoughts right now...

Pale Blue Eyes ~The Velvet Underground

Sometimes I feel so happy,
Sometimes I feel so sad.
Sometimes I feel so happy,
But mostly you just make me mad.
Baby, you just make me mad.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.

Thought of you as my mountain top,
Thought of you as my peak.
Thought of you as everything,
I've had but couldn't keep.
I've had but couldn't keep.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.

If I could make the world as pure and strange as what I see,
I'd put you in the mirror,
I put in front of me.
I put in front of me.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.

Skip a life completely.
Stuff it in a cup.
She said, "Money is like us in time,
It lies, but can't stand up.
Down for you is up."
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.

It was good what we did yesterday.
And I'd do it once again.
The fact that you are married,
Only proves, you're my best friend.
But it's truly, truly a sin.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.
Linger on, your pale blue eyes.

***

*sniff*

Speaking of fic, I've got some up over in LJ - Gone Gently, a spoilery post-OotP sequel to So Many Monsters, and an unnamed, non-spoilery, written pre-OotP Hermione/Cho ficlet that just. doesn't. work.

Now I'm working on the Gryffindor section of the Five Things fic, which is depressing me, and also a bit of R/S porn for Pru. Well, if Sirius ever gets over James and notices Remus it'll be porny. Huh. Have to work on that.

::kicks Sirius::

You're hung up on the wrong one, you prat.

::pets Sirius::

Sorry, sorry. Shouldn't kick a dog, nor a man when he's down. I just... grrr... poor Remus is *right* *there* and Sirius isn't seeing it. Well, Remus isn't going to take that lying - or sitting - down. No sirree bob. I used to have romantic comedy skills, and it's about time I took 'em out and polished them off in service of my woobie!werewolf.

~victoria



link

[current mood: frustrated with Sirius Black.]
[current music: Proud Mary - CCR]
[random quote: \"Is a dream a lie if it don't come true Or is it something worse?\" - \"The River\" - Bruce Springsteen]

~*~

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The painting is "Boreas" by John William Waterhouse. Again, not a muse, but I like her. She suits the color scheme.

The quote is from Sir Philip Sidney.

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