a fool's musings

Fool, said my muse to me, look in thy heart and write...

Warning: Adult Content achromatic unfinished fic graveyard recs journal new stuff recent stuff my back pages January 2004 December 2003 November 2003 October 2003 September 2003 August 2003 July 2003 June 2003 May 2003 April 2003 March 2003 February 2003 January 2003 December 2002 November 2002 October 2002 September 2002 August 2002 July 2002 June 2002 May 2002 April 2002 March 2002 February 2002 January 2002 December 2001 November 2001 the five Ws, or, all about me profile e-mail victoria my livejournal the original P&R comments current mood: "pathological and unbalanced" Items of Interest People LiveJournal folks Baraita bishclone claritylit Jintian Kat Allison Kit Mason metablog mix-tapes Neil Gaiman Nestra Sarah T. Seema Shrift Sundry Mourning zendom Music Walk On - U2 Thunder Road - Bruce Springsteen If I Can't Change Your Mind - Sugar Sick of Myself - Matthew Sweet Town Called Malice - The Jam One - U2 The Space Between - DMB Books Lord of the Rings Catch-22 The Neely Trilogy Absalom! Absalom! Possession: A Romance Foucault's Pendulum Dreamhouse LA Confidential I Capture the Castle Sandman Waking the Moon Shows Angel Buffy the Vampire Slayer (in reruns) Alias West Wing The Simpsons webrings < ? fanfiction ! > < ? writers ! > diaryreviews.diaryland.com NYC Bloggers Comments by Haloscan.com all links, if I haven't screwed up somehow, should open in a new browser window

09.14.03 - 10:06 p.m. writing wibble The search terms that end up turning up this diary never cease to amaze me. "Buffy CSI sucks big hairy donkey balls." Who *searches* for that? Still sick. Still miserable. Just finished another box of tissues. Managed to post the final version of Under Me, You. *hugs story* I like this one a lot. Also, Onomastics is up on the site - Logan muses on the meaning of names. Tried working on the rom com, but urgh. There's something not right. There are two separate threads, which is why I split it into two separate stories - one is the story of MWPP after the Trick, which I'm placing in sixth year, despite evidence it may have occurred in fifth year - all we know is Sirius is 16 when it happens. He also runs away from home at 16. So it's a big year. I'm ignoring the evidence of the Pensieve scene, because Harry sees other things Snape couldn't have known, so there's no way to know for sure that Snape knew in June of fifth year that Remus was a werewolf. And I think, despite what others may say, that the Trick had to have had a huge effect on the four boys' friendships - I mean, I've seen high school friendships fracture over less important things than attempted murder. Of course, the idea that the Trick happened in late fifth year, and then Sirius ran away from home the summer between fifth and sixth years is also appealing - the Potters were, no doubt, a calming, steadying influence on him. So it's the story of MWPP from the morning after the Trick and on through that summer and the year afterward, with Lily and James getting together and Sirius realizing he's in love with Remus while Remus is making him suffer is trying to forgive him. Then there's the silly story of Sirius thinking he's in love with James and realizing he's in love with Remus. It should have a whole different tone - be much more light-hearted and fluffy, as Remus is trying to get over liking Sirius, because Sirius is so adamant he likes James, and then Sirius finally realizing it's *Remus* he wants, just when Remus starts looking around at other people. In other words, your typical romantic comedy. Except I can't seem to make it go like that. See, originally, like I said, it was all one story, except Sirius came to his senses about Remus too early to sustain that plot thread, and I realized that there was much more there than simple romantic comedy (though there will be some of that too, if I can write it right). But the serious stuff keeps intruding on the other fic, and I can't seem to separate them as cleanly as I'd hoped. Gah. My head is all stuffed and I have no more tissues. I think I'll go to bed. ~victoria link [current mood: sick] [current music: silence] [random quote: “Hey! Did you get permission to eat the hostage? I don't think so!\" - Willow Rosenberg, BtVS] ~*~ 09.13.03 - 7:50 p.m. miss misery I hate being sick. I mean, I really do. Not that anyone likes it. But I make a miserable sick person, and I attempt to make everyone else miserable too. Which, of course, only works when I'm here at the parents'. If I were home alone, I'd probably just sleep all day and stay online all night. Or sleep all day and sleep all night, with occasional breaks for reading email and LJ. And you know it's a sad day technologically when LJ loads quicker than everything else. Meh. I think I'm gonna head back to bed. ~victoria [current mood: sick] [current music: ] [random quote: ] ~*~ 09.12.03 - 1:26 p.m. snip of "Sirius is a bastard" fic Here's a snip of what I've been calling the "Sirius is a bastard" fic. Also known as "Remus-Tonks" (note the lack of "/" to indicate pairing, but there's a reason Sirius is being a bastard, other than his usual personality *snerk*). Because Remus/Tonks? Is so very, very wrong for anything long term. For either of them. Tonks/Charlie Weasley is the ship of choice for the metamorphmagus (sp?) even though they haven't met yet (that we know of). They'll be hella cool and wild together, and Charlie will give Tonks the confidence she needs to be less clumsy, without making it a whole big teacher/student deal, which is the vibe I get from her and Remus together - that he's looking for solace and she's looking for ... not a father figure, but an older man, someone to validate her and give her confidence as a woman (which Remus would be *great* at. Except, no. Not with her.). Also, if Sirius isn't coming back, and Remus *has* to move on, well... Bill/Fleur's not going to work out (is it?), and I think Bill and Remus would be a lovely pairing. Bill's cool and into doing his own thing, smart and adventurous and not afraid of well, much of anything, considering what he does for a living. I think Remus would like Egypt. I wonder if the wizarding community there would be more open toward werewolves. Not that I believe Sirius isn't coming back for one second, 'cause he is. He has to. ::whimper:: I may end up in the Land of Da Nile myself. ANYhow, snippet of fic, post-GoF, just pre-OotP: Stealing Joy Sirius noticed it the first time at lunch their second day at Grimmauld Place; it was amusing and slightly puzzling. Moody showed up with Shacklebolt and Tonks in tow, Molly fussed over everybody, and somehow, when they all got sorted around the table, Tonks was sitting between him and Remus. He noticed how Tonks monopolized Remus, asking him about his travels -- both personal and for the Order -- his research, his *life*. She was finding out things about Remus that he, Sirius, still didn't know. Sure, they'd exchanged letters in the year since that night in the Shrieking Shack, but those had mostly been impersonal and cryptic, as befitted men who were beyond the pale of wizarding society. And they'd spent two weeks together in Remus's dingy council flat in Wapping, but neither of them had been comfortable enough to make any sort of move. Sirius was uncertain of Remus's feelings toward him; Remus was his usual, inscrutable self. Fourteen years apart had left Sirius's skills at reading Remus extremely rusty. *He* wanted to resume their former relationship, but he understood Remus's wariness and the reasons for it. One thing he did know was that Remus seemed amused and pleased at the attention; he smiled and didn't pull away when Tonks laid a hand on his arm and then almost stabbed him with her fork while making a point. He thought it was nice his cousin was such a cool kid and that she and Remus got along. Even if he had to bite back a snarl when Remus didn't pull away from her touch. Remus didn't like to be touched by most people. Unless that had changed over the years. There was so much Sirius still didn't know. He tried to listen to their conversation, but Bill Weasley was peppering him with questions about the tropics and Molly wanted to discuss cleaning the house, so he didn't have a chance. The second time Sirius noticed, it was more annoying than amusing. The next morning, Tonks arrived while he and Remus were having breakfast. Her clumsiness set his mother off, and he ran to shut her up while Remus helped Tonks regain her balance. As he left, he noticed that Tonks didn't seem too eager to move out of Remus's grip, and that she brushed her not-insubstantial chest against his arm when she finally did. Upon his return to the kitchen, he found Tonks sitting at the table, sipping a cup of tea. Remus offered to split his pancakes with her, and she accepted with a grin and a blush. Sirius spent the meal sulking and plotting revenge he knew he’d never carry out. After all, if Remus was going to offer his pancakes to someone, it should have been him, not Tonks. When he and Remus were alone that afternoon, he broached the subject bluntly, as if they were still the same boys who'd lived together for seven years at Hogwarts, and then four more in London before their lives went to hell. "I think Tonks fancies you." Remus looked surprised, and then shrugged. "I doubt it. She's just friendly. Anyway, I'm old enough to be her--" "Very cool older cousin," Sirius said, relieved at Remus's disinterest. He decided to be magnanimous and not bring up the pancakes. "Yes, exactly," Remus replied, smiling. But Sirius kept his eyes open anyway. Too many things had been taken from him over the years; he guarded what was his jealously. Even if Remus didn't seem to realize anymore that he was included in what Sirius considered his. The third time he noticed, it was more like a kick in the balls. He had a hard time sleeping in the old house. He was using one of the guest chambers; his childhood room held too many bad memories, and the idea of sleeping in his parents' bed made his skin crawl. Buckbeak was ensconced in the faded splendor of that chamber and he was welcome to it, as far as Sirius was concerned. The hippogriff was a nobler occupant than his mother had been, at any rate. He often ended up down in the kitchen at three a.m., unable to sleep and unwilling to wake Remus up to keep him company, as he would have done when they were younger. He was still coming to grips with the fact that they were sleeping in separate beds, separate rooms. He knew a lot of time had passed, but it didn't *feel* like it. It felt like he and Remus should be together, the way they'd been those last few years, and it was a harsh blow to discover that maybe Remus didn't feel the same way. He’d been too unsure to try anything in the face of Remus’s apparent serenity. He visited Buckbeak, but one can only get so much consolation from a hippogriff, and Buckbeak wasn't too thrilled with living in the house, either. One night, after another argument with Dumbledore about when they'd finally be able to rescue Harry from those hateful Muggles, he woke in a cold sweat from nightmares where he failed Harry yet again. He made his way downstairs on silent feet, not wanting to deal with his mother's portrait. On the second to last step, he noticed a dim light coming from the kitchen, and heard the sound of laughter. Moony's laughter. Padding on silent feet to the doorway, he saw Remus and Tonks sitting at the table. Tonks had a hand over her mouth as she laughed, as if to keep quiet, but Remus had his head thrown back, his face lit with a joy Sirius hadn't seen since that night in the Shrieking Shack. It had taken him *months* to get Moony to laugh like that back when they were first years. Months of bad jokes and shared candy hadn't done it, until he'd managed to make a complete *arse* of himself during Herbology. He couldn't remember now what exactly had set Remus off, but he knew they'd laughed long and hard over whatever it was he'd done, forcing the otherwise good-natured Professor Liliacea into taking house points from them. That was one of the first memories he'd lost to the dementors, and only recently had he reclaimed parts of it. In sixth year, after the Shack incident, he'd made it his personal goal to make Remus laugh again, laugh with *him*, look at him with the light of joy in his eyes. Again, it had taken months, but it had been worth it. Sirius knew it was irrational to be angry, but that was his laughter, his joy, and Tonks was stealing it. He was through having his joy stolen from him. "You're going to wake the bitch," he said, his voice harsh. "And she'll rouse the whole house." They sobered abruptly, and Tonks muttered, "Sorry." Remus twisted in his chair to look at him, exposing a strip of bare skin where his shirt rode up. Sirius's mouth went dry. "What's got your knickers in a twist?" Remus asked, a smile still playing about his lips. "It's late. Don't you have a home to go to, Tonks?" Her face seemed to crumple; he wasn't sure if it was a trick of the dim light or if her features really did melt away and reform almost instantaneously. "I had guard duty, and I stopped by to --" "To report," Remus interrupted smoothly. "To report?" Sirius couldn't keep disbelief out of his tone. "And what are you doing up at two in the morning, Remus?" "Full moon in three days." That brought Sirius up short. Once upon a time, he'd have known when the full moon was every month for the next three years. Now, time frequently slipped away from him, leaving him frustrated and confused when events sneaked up on him unawares. One thing he did remember was that Remus's insomnia in the days leading up to the full moon was almost as legendary as his constant state of arousal during that time. In fact, the cure for the insomnia and the arousal had usually been the same thing -- sex and a lot of it. The thoughts tumbled through Sirius's brain and clicked together like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Remus and *Tonks*? Not if he had anything to say about it. If anyone was going to relieve Remus's ... needs, it'd be him. *** Well, that's it for now. I have more written, but ... it needs work. And the ending - I have to decide on the ending. *** You know, I haven't been hungover in ages. It's not any better than I remember it. Blurgh. ~victoria link [current mood: hungover] [current music: Suite Judy Blue Eyes - CSN(Y?)] [random quote: \"Just be wrong. Just stand there in your wrongness and be wrong, and get used to it.\" ~Jed Bartlet, TWW] ~*~ 09.11.03 - 1:55 p.m. I want to believe I really have nothing to say. John Donne says it for me, really, and Abraham Lincoln and St. Francis of Assisi (which no one, including me, seems to know quite how to spell). I called Leslie because I don't want to go home and stay home tonight. I just... I want to be out in my city, I want to celebrate it, to supplant grief with dancing. I don't want to forget, I want to *believe*, believe that people can be that good, that they run into burning buildings, sacrifice themselves to save others, that good will eventually triumph over evil, that no one else will have to live through such horror again. That someday war and violence will be as foreign to us as peace seems to be now. Light a candle, don't curse the darkness. I want to remember that when my own feelings of rage and hate overwhlem me, and over stupid shit that doesn't matter. Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. ~victoria link [current mood: sad] [current music: The Rising - Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band] [random quote: that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain...] ~*~ 09.09.03 - 1:14 p.m. childhood living is easy to do... Achromatic has been updated. I added Wherever You Will Go (Sirius/Remus, just prior to the beginning of OotP), Dream Lover, a Hermione drabble, and Mirror, Mirror, a Donna and Mandy PCR. I've been a productive woman. At some point, I will get over my sulk about the bad sex in the razorfic and rewrite the damned thing. Right now, though, there is no sex projected in any of the stuff I'm working on. *snerk* I can't seem to bring myself to write a Remus/Sirius PWP, not even set back before 10/31/81. I don't know what's up with that. I had a hard time writing a Clexy PWP, too. I think there's just so much other *stuff* going on that needs dealing with - or rather, that *I* need to deal with (they seem to have dealt with almost everything) - that just having them hop in the sack for a quickie (or not so quickie) isn't working out for me. At least I've thus far avoided any bathroom shenanigans (by which I mean loud confessions or declarations of love taking place in the bathroom. Also, showersex. I'm not talking about water sports. ::shudders:: Not my thing.). That's been replaced by Sirius and Remus shoving each other around. I don't know why, but one guy shoving the other against a wall or a piece of furniture and just kissing the hell out of him - it gives me that low down tingly feeling. ::tingles:: I think when it's guys and it's sort of roughhousing, it's playful wrestling, because they're evenly matched, strength-wise (well, unless Remus really does have super werewolf strength. I wouldn't mind thinking he gets some compensation for being a werewolf, but I'm not convinced.). I don't think I'd go for it with a man and a woman, unless they were actually *sparring* but with guys it's less fraught and has less of a connotation of badness, especially if the dialogue and the relationship is clearly delineated as non-violent and otherwise healthy. Oh, "Wild Horses." I like the Sundays' version better (sacrilege, I know), but still a beautiful song. And so easily turned to SBRL purposes. *g* Childhood living is easy to do The things you wanted I bought them for you Graceless lady you know who I am You know I can't let you slide through my hands Wild horses couldn't drag me away, Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away I watched you suffer a dull aching pain, Now you've decided to show me the same No sweeping exits or offstage lines Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind Wild horses couldn't drag me away, Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away I know I've dreamed you a sin and a lie, I have my freedom but I don't have much time Faith has been broken, tears must be cried, Let's do some living after we die Wild horses couldn't drag me away, Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day Wild horses couldn't drag me away, Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day I can turn any song into a song for my characters if I think about it. I'm just that ... focused. ~victoria link [current mood: focused] [current music: Wild Horses - Rolling Stones] [random quote: I know I've dreamed you a sin and a lie I have my freedom but I don't have much time] ~*~ 09.08.03 - 10:13 a.m. In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others.* So I got the recs pages updated: Unfit for Society Recs - everything that was in the Unfit for Society Recs LJ is now on the actual site. Now I'm thinking I need to redo the links page, clear out a lot of the personal sites that are no longer extant, do the same thing I did on Muse's Fool Achromatic (I will *never* get used to that)- archives and informational sites only. I'm also thinking more about recs and what they mean, the social component, the narrowness or broadness of range... In the end, I only rec stories I really like, stories that move me, and stay with me, stories I may very well go back and reread numerous times, because they still pack an emotional wallop - either happy or sad or some combination (I am a huge sucker for wistful contentment - giving up the huge grand romantic ideal for the true, less grand, more loving, reality) - or because they make me laugh. On the spectrum of fanfic readers, I fall to the "reads a lot more than most people" side, I think, not so much in terms of broadness of range (looks at all the pairings/fandoms/kinks I don't and *won't* read) but in terms of quantity within a given subset - if there's a Remus/Sirius fic on the web right now that I haven't read, it's probably because I opened it, was horrified, and ran away. At one time, I could identify most Logan/Rogue stories on the web, and even with stories at the WRFA numbering in the thousands now (at least, it feels like it), I'm still able to identify a good 65% of 'em by description, even when the description is vague and almost generic (e.g., "Logan comes home and X happens"). I've also found that waiting for that "perfect" story to come along - the one that hits all the emotional buttons, is technically perfect *and* beautifully written - is just a fool's errand. Almost every story has something that could be better. And I'm not looking for perfection. I'm looking for an enjoyable read. I'm willing to overlook certain problems if the emotional impact is strong enough. I don't know if this makes my recs more or less useful to other people. I only know what moves *me* and I'm not shy about admitting it. Things that push my emotional buttons: 1. pining. Especially of the "I'm in love with my best friend and s/he doesn't notice" pining. (See Willow/Xander, Sirius/Remus, Ron/Hermione.) 1a. "S/He can't possibly be in love with *me*" 2. witty banter. (See The Thin Man, Moonlighting, Cheers, every good screwball comedy ever) 3. X thinks Y is in love with someone else; Y thinks X is in love with someone else. Mix and let wackiness ensue. 4. the moment of realization, when the world shifts into clear focus and character X realizes s/he loves character Y and can't understand how s/he didn't see it before. 5. First kisses. Guh. 6. Pulling love out of the teeth of tragedy - this combines the pining and the realization and may include sudden and fearful declarations of love (though not, one hopes, actual *overt* declarations of love in sickeningly sweet karaoke numbers) because Character A thinks Character B is lost to him/her for all time because of his/her own stupidity. Also, admissions of love under extreme circumstances. "Well, we're going to die now, so I may as well mention I've liked you forever.... What do you mean we're not going to die?! Oh god, this is so embarrassing." 7. Unspoken love. Love that's always there but neither party will ever mention it - in fact, one or the other may be in denial that it's anything but sex. The other party may believe the first party is in love with someone else and is willing to be second-choice, or may be so confident in the first party's love that they can outwait the stupid idiot until s/he finally realizes how s/he feels. Yes, I like my cliches. I read fanfic to see my favorite characters put through their paces in service of these cliches. Obviously, people read (and write) fanfic for their own reasons, and the reasons are as numerous as grains of sand, but I think understanding where the person making the recommendations is coming from helps enormously in gauging whether their recommendations are going to be useful. I mean, I check through a lot of recs sites, and I've found that a lot of 'em don't even list fic in the pairings I read. You laugh, but it's *hard* to find really good Sirius/Remus fic, even in the aftermath of OotP and the almost-canon nature of their relationship. Whereas you can't swing a dead cat in HP fandom without running into Snape/everyone but the kitchen sink. So someone who's in HP fandom for the Snape is not going to be as useful to me as someone who's in HP fandom for the Trio - I like and read Trio fic. I tend to avoid most Snapefic, unless a recommender offers a compelling reason for me to read it (beyond, "Omigod, so hot!" because while I freely admit to the hotness that is Alan Rickman, Snape is an ugly, greasy bastard with few redeeming characteristics and I'm not interested in reading about him shagging his way through wizarding Britain, much as I am not really interested in reading Lex Luthor's sexual adventures with anyone who isn't Clark or Chloe, unless those adventures either throw light on some part of Lex's characterization or his relationship with Clark or Chloe. Same goes for Snape. I'll read Snape/Lupin if it's really a sublimation of Remus/Sirius; I'll read James/Sirius if it's about the impact of that on Remus, etc.). So my recommendations are going to reflect my reading preferences and my recs philosophy. I have no problem recommending and adding caveats, and so far, no one's ever complained to me about it (i.e., no author has bitched about my reccing them, even when I've added a "But be warned, X is OOC" or something). I'm sure there are people who've read some stories I've recced and gone, "My eyes! My eyes!" *shrug* Happens to the best of us. God, I totally didn't plan on going into this long digression on recs. How'd that happen? *quote from Andre Maurois ~victoria link [current mood: thoughtful] [current music: Train in Vain - the Clash] [random quote: you say you stand by your man tell me something I don't understand...] ~*~ previous - next DiaryLand Disclaimer: Reading this diary is not required by law. 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